Baby Blues 10 - Craving
part 1
~Xander POV~
"Bye Xander."
"Bye, I'll see you tomorrow." I wave to Willow and Tara as they pull out and drive away. Thank God, I thought I was never gonna get home. I don't know how many hints I dropped, but they just didn't get it. I didn't want to be rude and just come out and say 'take me home now'. It was so cool of them to invite me to spend the day with them, but there is nothing like coming home again, especially when you have someone waiting for you.
I enter the front door to my apartment complex and press the button for the elevator. It arrives quickly; I step in and press for my floor.
The thought makes me smile: having someone to come home to. I mean Spike has pretty much been living with me for a few months now, but he wasn't mine before, he was more like a roommate. Technically the living arrangements haven't changed; Spike still sleeps on the couch and I still sleep in the bedroom, but things are different. Before, we didn't take every opportunity possible to kiss and grope each other silly.
We do that all the time now, but that's as far as it's gone. We haven't been ready to take it any further; Spike needs reassurance that he is not just a substitute for Anya and I need to come to terms with being with somebody else. The guilt still gnaws at me sometimes, but I've been trying to keep it in check. Giles has been a good friend to me. I've woken him up in the middle of the night a couple of times, just to get him to reassure me that I am not a bad evil person for being happy again. I think I have laughed more in the past two weeks than I have in the past three months. I've found my jokes again with Spike, but every so often I see myself laughing and smiling and the guilt just hits me.
I don't know if I ever expected to be happy again, but I know I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. I think that this is what bothers me the most. What if people think Anya meant so little to me and that I got over her so fast. Usually a little alone-time with Spike gets rid of thoughts like that. As he says 'Fuck what other people think. The only thing that matters is how you feel', and he's right, I guess. I just wish I could be that confident about it. Deep down I know that Anya would want me to be happy, and that's the thought that helps me sleep at night, that and the fact that I am happy with Spike and the knowledge that he is right there in the next room if I ever need him.
The rest of the gang have been supportive, or at least Willow, Tara and Dawn have been supportive, Giles has been understanding and Buffy has been tolerant. I don't suppose I can expect any more, I'm just glad they are not all threatening to stake Spike on sight, although I do think that both Giles and Buffy had the requisite 'hurt Xander and die' talk. They didn't need to, but I love them for it.
Much of their acceptance probably has more to do with my condition than anything else. I sometimes think that if I asked them to, they'd all club together and buy me a brand new, shiny red Fire Engine, like I wanted when I was a kid. I'm actually surprised I haven't taken more advantage of the situation. Ooo, there is that gold plated, limited edition model of the Millennium Falcon that I've had my eye on. Maybe if I ask nicely?
The elevator stops at my floor, the doors open and I step out. I walk along the corridor to my apartment.
I remember the last time I did this: spent the day with the girls and came home at night to my apartment and Spike. Only last time he wasn't home, he had left and all that was there was the note. I'm suddenly gripped with the irrational fear that maybe that's all I will find again. What if he decides all this isn't worth it, that he doesn't want to be a part of my life, or my baby's life? What if he's left again? I quickly get out my keys and unlock the door. I know he wouldn't leave me. He promised he wouldn't leave, didn't he? I open the door and...
All the lights are off, but it isn't dark. The apartment is engulfed in a soft flickering glow. There are candles everywhere, creating a magical atmosphere, the orange and yellow light dancing over the walls and ceiling giving my apartment a feeling of such warmth and safety.
"Welcome home Xand." Spike emerges from the kitchen smiling brightly at me. He walks up to me and kisses me lightly on the lips. He moves to take off my jacket, I let him as I just stare around the apartment in wonder at what he's done. He hangs my jacket up and comes back to stand in front of me. The candlelight makes everything in the place look so beautiful, especially him, not that he was hard on the eyes before. The light just serves to accentuate every angle and curve in his face. I feel like such a girl even thinking it, but boy has that man got cheekbones or what? I finally find my voice and speak.
"Spike, you did all this?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"'Cause, I wanted to celebrate."
"Celebrate what?"
"You, pretty much."
"Awww, aren't you the big sap these days?"
"Hey, watch it pet. I go to all this trouble just for you, and you insult me. Fine, I won't bother next time." He sounds upset but his eyes betray him. They are glowing with mischief and the candlelight is only highlighting the fact.
"No, seriously Spike, what's the occasion?"
"Nothin' I just thought it'd be nice is all. You know a bit of a change never hurt anybody." He's lying though his fangs. "Now, why don't you go sit down and I'll bring you your food."
"Food? You cooked dinner?" I try to keep the complete shock out of my voice but it's hard. "Now Spike, are we talking actual cooking here or just your usual reheating in the microwave
"Yeah, I'm talking actual cooking. You wanna make something of it?"
"No, no, I didn't say a thing." I raise my hands in surrender and go to sit at the table. He's covered it in the good tablecloth, the one that Anya insisted that we buy for any 'decent' company that we have over. It makes me a little sad to think that she never got a chance to use it, and now here it is being used for a candlelight dinner for Spike and I.
Okay, I need to shake off these thoughts. I just need to focus on now, on my evening here with Spike. I just need to focus on Spike.
There is a candle in the centre of the table and a small vase with a single red rose in it. If I didn't know any better I'd say that Spike is trying to be romantic. Not that I don't think Spike can be romantic, I'm sure he was with Drusilla, but with me? Can two guys be romantic with each other? I'm new at this so I don't know.
"Spike? Are you trying to seduce me?"
"Xan, my legs aren't nice enough for me to be Anne Bancroft and your too tall to be Dustin Hoffman." He jokes but I can see the gleam in his eye.
"No, you are, aren't you? You're trying to seduce me."
He doesn't answer me, he just turns back to the kitchen again and says over his shoulder. "I'll go get the food."
Okay, I guess tonight could be the night then. Am I ready for this though? It looks like Spike is, if this little seduction scene is anything to go by, but am I? It's true that it's been harder and harder to end our little groping sessions lately, and it's been getting increasingly more difficult to say goodnight at the end of the day and sleep in separate rooms. I really want to feel what it's like to take that next step, but to say that I am a little nervous would be like saying Spike is a little fond of blood.
He interrupts my thoughts by bringing over a plate and placing it in front of me.
"Pizza and peanut butter!" I can't help the grin that spreads across my face.
"No. Pizza and chunky peanut butter, your favorite."
"I think that is the first time someone has voluntarily got this for me. Usually everybody is so disgusted with the thought, that I have to badger them to death or just give it up and get it myself."
"Well, it is completely repulsive Xander, you have to admit, but you enjoy it so I'm prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice and endure the sight of you eating it."
"You're such a martyr Spike."
"I know." He says it with a very serious look on his face but his eyes are smiling.
"Are you not eating?" I notice that he doesn't have a plate for himself.
"No. I'm just gonna watch you eat." He sits down and rests his elbows on the table and nestles his chin in his hands.
I lift up a slice and take a bite. The taste is like pure heaven and I can't explain why. Dawn asked me once what it is about it that I love so much, and all I could come up with, is that it's so much more satisfying than anything else I eat at the moment. All the different tastes and smell combine together to awaken my senses and fill me up like nothing else can. It just really hits the spot.
"Where did you order this from?" I ask with a mouth full of food.
"I told you, I was cooking."
"Oh you were not, ya big liar."
"Why Xan, I'm shocked that you could think it of me. I swear I made that with my own two hands." He is way too good a liar, if I didn't know him so well I might almost believe him.
I'm nearly finished my pizza when he gets up from the table and goes back to the kitchen. He comes back through with a dish that he sets in front of me.
"I know that you love chocolate, but you can't have it right now, so I hope this will do instead."
"What is it?" Whatever it is, it smells delicious.
"Strawberry and peanut butter mousse. A little recipe that I invented for the occasion."
"Okay, now I know you're lying. There is no way that you invented this." I push my empty pizza plate aside and start to eat the dessert. It's even better than the pizza, the flavors meld together and melt on my tongue.
"Of course I made it. Why do you think it took Red and her little girlfriend so long to bring you home, I needed time to get finished."
"Nah, still don't believe you." It's a good explanation though, and to a more gullible person it might have worked, but not me. "Come on, fess up. Where'd you get it?"
"Oh fine! I didn't make it myself, I couldn't cook worth shit if my life depended on it. But it was hard work though, do you know how many restaurants and catering companies I had to phone to find one that would actually make...that." He gestures at my food with a look of disgust on his face.
"And I really appreciate the effort Spike. I'm sure your dialing finger must have got really tired."
"Make fun all you want, but it's the thought that counts."
I finish my meal, and Spike stands and starts to clear up.
"Spike, have you been taking Home Ec classes at night school and not telling me or something?" I can't resist teasing him.
"Shut up and go sit down on the couch and relax. I'll just be a few." I shake my head a little and laugh quietly. Somehow I think with all my joking, this will be the last time I see Spike do anything domesticated. I love what he's trying to do for me, but it's just a little strange to see him do this Martha Stewart impression.
I move over to the couch and try to get comfortable. It's not as easy at it sounds with the big bump in front, but eventually I find a position that works.
I look around the living room and I can see now that Spike has taken even more time over this than I originally thought. He's dusted for one thing, and vacuumed too, I think. All the magazines are in the magazine rack instead of spread out on the table or lying on the arm rests. The cd's and videos have all been put away and the empty pizza boxes and soda cans that usually litter my apartment have been thrown out. Okay, so now I feel guilty about my teasing. He probably spent all day doing this, and all I do is make fun. I find I suddenly need to come up with a more masculine word for sweet.
I shift position a little on the couch and I can feel something jabbing into by backside. I reach under and pull out a picture frame that I had been sitting on. I turn it over to see what the picture is, and I see that it's the one I got from my first ultrasound a few days ago. Spike had it framed? Okay I'm just gonna go with sweet.
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