Something New
It was right around the time Xander was leaning on the wall, puking his guts up into a flower-bed and wishing he was dead, that he realised that he was having feelings for Jesse that went above and beyond friendship. Not that their friendship was shallow - he loved Jesse more than the sun. Jesse was his best friend and family and fun times all rolled into one, but this was different. This was a powerful wave of longing, an understanding that stole over him as naturally as the dawn breaking that as dreadful as he felt right now, if Jesse kept rubbing his back like that, then he'd be okay, and not just now, but pretty much forever.
So. Midnight, on a Saturday night. Leaning against a wall. About to discover if it was possible to faint while puking. He sure picked his moments for revelations.
***Earlier that day***
Xander was slurping on a can of Dr Pepper as he wandered over to Jesse's house, bypassing the front door and making his way around back, waving to Jesse's mom through the kitchen window on route, and heading into the garden. As he thought, Jesse, who thrived on the warmth and was already golden-brown, was lying on the grass soaking up the late afternoon sunshine, stripped to the waist and wearing a pair of cut off denim shorts. Jesse was tall at the best of times, he seemed to be all legs when he dressed like this. Xander dropped down to sit next to him.
"Hey man, I got your message, what's up?"
"Xander!" Jesse looked to be almost bursting with suppressed excitement. He had the imprint of grass against his cheek, and a few pieces in his hair, and his shorts were frayed and holey. The picture he presented was utterly scruffy and oddly endearing. "Guess what?"
Xander opened his mouth with a flip reply, but Jesse rushed on ahead without waiting to hear it.
"Some college guys who rented a house for the summer instead of going home are having a party, and we're invited!"
Xander's jaw dropped. "No *way*!" Everyone knew what went on at college parties, with the beer drinking and the light drugs and the nubile temptresses that were only too happy to relieve a recently-turned-sixteen-year-old boy, of his, thus far, unassailed (except for some very mild groping) virginity. Not of course that he had ever been in any position of being able to ascertain this for a fact, it was only very rare, very cool high-schoolers that got invited to a college party. Maybe he and Jesse had become cool without him noticing. And maybe Uma Thurman would call and beg him to come on a date with her and her liberated bi-sexual supermodel friend.
"How? Who? How?" he gestured his shock a little over-empathetically with his can and succeeded in drenching Jesse with the contents of it.
Jesse looked at him in exasperation, his face dripping with sugary drink. "Thanks," he grabbed Xander's T-shirt and pulled him sharply towards him, using it to wipe Dr Pepper from his face.
"Sorry," Xander apologised. "But again I say how, who and how?" He probably wasn't going to win any awards for 'Most Articulate Under Pressure' but Xander felt he was getting his point across. An invite to what was basically a frat party was definitely something new. Apart from anything else they didn't know anybody who would invite them.
Jesse finished wiping his face with Xander's T-shirt and released him. "Well we're not *officially* invited, but Brian, - he's my cousin, remember? He goes to UCLA - well he's back in Sunnydale for the summer, and he knows someone, who knows someone, and he got invited. He said I could tag along, and I said I didn't want go without - uh, I said I wanted to bring someone, and he said he could probably get us both in."
"Excellent! You know what this means?"
"We're gonna have to tape 'The Twilight Zone'?"
"Chicks!"
"Y-yeah," Jesse agreed, giving him a wry smile as Xander stormed excitedly on ahead.
"Wait'll Willow hears about this! What do you think the time difference is in France? We could find out where her folks are staying and call her right now!"
"Yeah, Xander somehow I don't think Willow would *want* to hear about anything you're obviously hoping is gonna happen at this party."
"Oh," Xander was pulled up short. "You think?"
"She's very into you, man." Jesse teased. He paused, fiddling with some strands of grass. "You sure you don't wanna maybe ask her out when she gets back?"
Xander groaned. Willow's cute, but awkward crush on him seemed to be a source of endless fascination for Jesse lately. Much more so than it was for Xander. True, ever since he and Jesse had begun noticing those creatures with bumps on their chests as usual they seemed to be lagging behind everyone else. Other guys had gone from bragging about bowling and how many Twinkies they could fit in their mouth to seamlessly discussing dates and sex while he and Jesse were stuck between the two worlds without a clue how to advance from one to the other. God, he was sixteen, other guys were going All The Way, when was he ever going to get some touch from someone other than himself? Therefore in theory a cute girl who liked him was the answer to a horny boys prayer. In practice though the thought of groping Willow filled Xander with a feeling that could sadly only be described as 'ick'.
"You know I don't," he said to Jesse in exasperation. "Don't get me wrong, I love Willow - she's just not hot." Oops, that had sounded kinda mean. "To me," he added hurriedly. "I mean I'm sure the pinafore dress and fuzzy cardigan thing is a big turn on to some guys. Strange guys."
"But you like them more like Cordelia?"
"I think you're projecting. Sure, she thinks she's the fairest of them all - has done ever since Junior High, but she's also a creature of pure evil. Give it up, move onto someone a little less Hitler-like. Which pretty much leaves every other girl in the world, so at least there's a lot of choice - hey there may even be a chick out there as much fun as me!" To emphasise his point he flicked Jesse's ear teasingly. Jesse batted his hand away, unaccountably flushing and dropping his eyes from Xander's. He restlessly began tearing grass up, keeping his fingers busy.
"Whatever man," he muttered. Xander winced in sympathy. Wow. Jesse really had it bad for the Wicked Witch of the West's less nice, but better dressed, younger sister, and it was making him *miserable*. Xander wished he'd get over it, he hated to see Jesse so bummed.
"Forget about her for tonight," he encouraged. "Maybe there'll be some hotties at the party - and two smooth guys such as ourselves can go on the prowl, and hopefully be initiated into the beautiful world of knowing a woman in the full-body sense."
"You wish," Jesse snorted. "And you may want to tone it down to just 'eager'. I hear 'desperate' just isn't in any more."
"Hey!" Xander tore up a handful of grass and threw it at Jesse. Jesse yelped indignantly, Xander grinned unrepentantly, and Jesse's face split into his familiar wicked grin that could be spotted at fifty paces and meant trouble. Xander began to scrabble back, retreating rapidly but too late. Jesse grabbed a huge handful of loose grass from a pile behind him that he must have prepared earlier and threw it with a smack right in his kisser.
"Hey, no fair!" Xander spluttered mock-annoyed, spitting out mouthfuls of grass. "You had ammunition stashed! You planned that!"
"I wouldn't have if I hadn't known it'd only be a matter of time before you did that," Jesse said smugly. "You're so predicable, man."
"Oh, yeah? Predict this!" With that he launched himself at Jesse with the intention of rubbing his face in the ground. They wrestled happily, rolling over and over on the grass, arms and legs tangled, until Jesse, who had a slight height and weight advantage pinned him down. Luckily Xander had been prepared for this, and had grabbed a handful of grass which he began stuffing down Jesse's shorts. Jesse began snickering uncontrollably, wriggling ticklishly above him, but finally put a stop to the whole thing by grabbing Xander's arms and pinning them above his head. Xander yelped, squinting up at him with a grin and Jesse stopped laughing. Instantly. Like a car that had done a handbrake turn, all at once, emotionally, Jesse seemed to be facing in a completely different direction, and Xander had no idea what it was.
"Hey, you okay?" Xander asked in concern, wondering if Jesse had actually gotten hurt in their tussling.
"Yeah," Jesse let go of his wrists and quickly clambered off him, brushing his shorts down somewhat excessively, Xander thought. He hadn't stuffed *that* much grass down them. Jesse lay down on his stomach next to him, turning his head to look at him. "I was just thinking - "
Xander choked in mock-concern. "Now I *know* there's something wrong!"
"Ha, ha," Jesse flicked another piece of grass at him idly. "No really, seriously - about this party, are you really wanting to hook up? Don't you think that ... you know... with someone you don't know - that it'd be a bit... scary?" Jesse asked.
Xander shifted so he was on his side looking at Jesse. He began a flip reply, then caught Jesse's eye, and for a moment actually seriously thought about it instead of just mindlessly shooting his mouth off about wishing it would happen. A little flicker of nerves danced in his belly at the thought of being with some unknown person. Being *naked* with them, clumsy and unsure, and not knowing what the hell he was doing. Like kissing. You could read about it, watch it, imagine it, but actually kissing someone had been nothing like he'd thought it would be. Wetter. Warmer. A little tricky till you got the hang of it. Less sensational than they made out, not so much with the rising music and fireworks.
"It might be, yeah," Xander admitted seriously. Then he grinned. "But hey have you seen some of the guys out there already doing it? I think we'll be able to handle it."
Jesse nodded, still looking at him thoughtfully. "Yeah, I think we could." Jesse gave him a lop-sided smile, which Xander returned. He breathed in the warm, sweet scent of the grass, noticing the sun was beginning it's descent and suddenly he didn't want to leave. He wasn't even sure he wanted to go to the party anymore. Suddenly he felt like all he wanted to do was lie here and talk to Jesse about stuff until the sun sank and the moon rose. But it was nuts to blow off the first cool party invite he'd ever gotten and he had things he needed to do before tonight. Reluctantly he heaved himself to his feet.
"I gotta split. Mom wants me to pick dinner up from the Chinese on the way home."
Jesse nodded in acknowledgement, rolling onto his back to squint up at him. "Okay, so come over later?"
"Yeah - what time?"
"Brian will get here about nine, so... about nine."
"So ... see you later."
"Okay."
There was a pause. Xander didn't know why, but this seemed to have been happening a lot lately. The conversation was to all intents and purposes over, their goodbyes had been said, yet actually locating the moment where he should leave seemed to be another matter altogether.
"Okay," he repeated. "Bye,"
He walked away from Jesse, but just before he left the garden he couldn't resist turning to look back. Jesse raised a hand, and Xander waved back, creasing his brow slightly. So he'd been right. Jesse *had* been watching him. More than that though, there was a strange expression on his face, which was oddly familiar, but that Xander just couldn't place.
***
"You can't wear that!" Jesse's cousin, Brian said in horror as he looked at Xander.
"Oh," Xander's face fell as he brushed down his brightly swirled shirt and baggy combats, as though running his hands over them would somehow turn them into acceptable party wear. "Why not?"
"You look like a kid! A badly-dressed kid!" Brian was a blond, bulky, thick-necked guy. Heavy and muscular compared to Xander's just-developing physique that had only just outgrown his puppy-fat. Brian apparently didn't believe in pulling his punches. Xander hadn't met him before, he hadn't made a great first impression, and wasn't improving on acquaintance. "I mean jeez, you hear about kids these days wearing designer gear, but it's totally passed you by, huh? I mean even the hair is -"
"Okay, thanks," Xander interrupted. "I think I get the subtle point you're making."
"Don't worry Xand," Jesse said catching the last of this as he came into the front room where Xander and Brian were waiting. He was dressed in a dark red shirt and black pants that Xander knew for a fact were his dads. "He made me change too, Brian give it a rest, we get the idea."
Xander flashed Jesse a grateful smile. Jesse knew that for Xander's parents, buying him clothes was not high on their list of priorities. Or even anywhere near the middle. Hence he made do with hand-me-downs or cheap crap that his mom found on sale and looked really stupid. Not that he cared. Much.
Brian shook his head. "Look, I said I'd try and get you guys in, but you gotta give me something to work with! Jesse, you got anything that'll fit Xander?"
"Yeah, sure," Jesse said quickly, shooting Brian a look that suggested he wanted to say something stronger, and if wasn't for the fact they needed him to get them into this party he'd take great pleasure in saying it. However he, wisely in Xander's opinion, bit his tongue since Brian was looking less certain about this all the time.
"Are you sure you're cool to come to this party?" Brian asked Xander warily. "Your folks aren't gonna turn up on the doorstep to do the 'heavy parent' routine and drag you home to be safe in bed by midnight are they?"
"So not gonna happen," Xander muttered. Jesse's eyes flickered over him in wordless commiseration and he lightly tapped Xander's arm.
"C'mon, Xand. Let's go see what I've got in my wardrobe."
"The pants are okay, but the shirts gotta go!" Brian yelled after them as Xander followed Jesse to his room.
"Gee, that was in no way ego-crushing," Xander said with an unconvincing laugh as they closed the door in Jesse's room. Jesse began rummaging through his wardrobe - half the contents of which were on the floor, and spoke of his own fluster to find something that met with Brian's approval.
"Ah, don't take any notice of him, I heard his mom tell my mom that he wet the bed until he was thirteen."
"Wow, what a loser. Everyone knows you're meant to beat that by the time you're twelve," Xander quipped, feeling a little more cheerful.
"I know I did," Jesse agreed, with a deadpan expression. "Here, try this," he threw a pale blue shirt at him and Xander pulled his green and purple swirled shirt over his head and off. He picked up the shirt Jesse had passed him and slid into it. A tiny sound made him glance at Jesse who was standing with his back to him by his chest-of-drawers, fiddling, unnecessarily, in Xander's opinion, with a CD box. Xander could see his averted face in the mirror, and frowned. Had Jesse been watching him change in the mirror? No that was crazy, of course Jesse hadn't. What on Earth would he do that for? Xander didn't care if he looked or not. What with sleepovers and skinny dipping and locker-rooms they'd seen each other in states of nakedness quite a lot over the years. Of course not so much lately now he thought about it... they'd both been a little more aware of their developing bodies. Of *each other's* developing bodies, but that was probably normal right? Normal to notice Jesse now had a thin line of dark hair leading from his navel to his groin, or for Xander to find his eye drawn occasionally to the flickering pulse point at the hollow of Jesse's throat.
Man, it was warm in here - Jesse's folks must have turned the heating on.
He finished doing up the buttons and joined Jesse in front of the mirror looking at himself critically. It was a shade too long, and a little too tight, reflecting the difference in their bodies, but it wasn't too bad. He didn't look any older really, but then neither did Jesse, they just looked smarter. Hopefully smart enough to slide under the radar.
"Is this okay?" he asked Jesse, running his hand through his hair a little nervously, pushing it out of his eyes, and Jesse reached out adjusting his collar which was up slightly at the side, his warm fingers brushing over Xander's neck.
"Yeah, it's fine."
"Thanks, mom," Xander said ironically.
"Bite me," Jesse grinned. Xander grinned back. There was a tiny pause. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but it wasn't easy to break now it had started, either. It felt...charged. Xander swallowed. What *was* happening with them lately?
"Are you ladies ready yet?" Brian's voice bellowed up the stairs, breaking the silence, and the moment.
"I guess that's our exit line," Xander remarked as Jesse rolled his eyes.
"I think so. C'mon, lets go."
***
The roar of the 'so-trendy-it-hurts' music hit Xander like a slap in the face as they entered the heaving party house and he and Jesse unconsciously stepped closer to each other as they looked around. People. Lots and lots of people, all crammed into a small space and spilling out of the doors at the back into the garden, the place was practically vibrating with energy. Xander felt a thud of excitement. This really could be a night where anything could happen.
Brian grinned as various people passing by them greeted him. He was in a much better mood now he was here, and nobody had so much as blinked at him turning up with two high-schoolers. Of course that could be because the guy who answered the door had been so wasted he'd kept calling Brian, 'Susan' but they were here. That was all that mattered.
"Okay guys," Brian said cheerily to them, "you're in. Don't get arrested, I don't want your moms chewing me out for the rest of my life, but other than that anything goes."
A pretty, tanned blonde passed by them. She was wearing what seemed to be some kind of dress, though how it stayed up was beyond Xander's understanding, since it had no arms, so straps and no discernible zip. She caught sight of Brian and stopped, throwing her arms happily around him. "Brian! How you been?"
"Hey April!" Brian gave her a hug - and Xander noticed - copped a feel of her ass while he was at it. "Cool party!"
"It is now you're here," April winked. "You wanna catch up?"
"Do I ever!" Brain said fervently. He set off in April's wake, calling over his shoulder; "You're on your own boys!"
Jesse and Xander exchanged a look. "I guess we're on our own," Jesse commented.
"Not for long I hope," Xander said, his eyes on stalks as he looked around. These were girls you didn't see at the Bronze, or if you did you didn't talk to them because they classified you effortlessly as a kid, but now he was on their turf!
Jesse shook his head at the look on Xander's face. "Eager, remember? Not desperate? I'm gonna go and find us some drinks."
"Okay," Xander said distractedly, already moving away. "I'll be around."
He headed over to the piece of floor that seemed to have been tagged as the dancing area, judging by the thick cluster of people gyrating on it, looking for someone to strike up a conversation with. That was the one thing he could do easily. He wasn't a great dancer, or particularly athletic, he didn't think he was bad-looking, but he wasn't the type girls stared at either. His main ability, even when feeling shy, was to let his mouth run off and talk anyone under the sun, nine times out of ten managing to say something witty enough to hook their attention. Sometimes it got him into trouble, but it always got him noticed.
A little nervous of joining a large group of people he looked around for someone alone he could introduce himself too. Fate was kind, he spotted a cute, petite brunette looking a little pissed off, trying to reach for a drink that had been placed on a shelf that was just too high for her to reach. He gathered his nerve and sallied into battle, bounding over, reaching for the drink and passing it to her. "Hi," he greeted her. "I'm Xander, willing to be your personal slave for the evening."
The girl looked at him in faint surprise, but she wasn't running away or slapping his face, which was already a big plus. "Lucy," she replied after a moment. She gave him a considering look. "Aren't you a little young to be at this party?"
"You know I often get told that, but I'm totally old enough, it's just clean living that keeps me looking so young."
"Really?" Lucy raised her eyebrows. "That sounds very boring."
Oh wow, was she flirting with him? "You're telling me. That's why I'm here, looking for something to make my life more interesting."
"Oh, and you've picked on me?" Lucy looked like she was fighting off a smile.
"Yeah, I was gonna go for Pamela Anderson, but she won't return my calls."
"How strange," Lucy remarked.
"Yeah, that's what I thought, so do you feel like showing her what she's missing?"
Lucy smiled - flirtatiously! - "Maybe. Find me later and we'll see."
She moved away, tossing a smile at him from over her shoulder, and just then someone tapped his arm. It was Jesse with two glasses of some red drink with bits of fruit bobbing in it.
"Hey! Having fun?" Jesse asked, looking after Lucy.
"I cannot believe you got us into this party!" Xander yelped excitedly in Jesse ear, grabbing his drink and taking a swig, then coughing, and making an instant decision to take it slow on these - something in it was packing a hell of a punch. "This is the best thing you've ever done for me!"
"The best?" Jesse repeated teasingly. "What about the time you peed yourself in kindergarten-"
"Gee, you wanna say that a *little* louder Jesse? There's a guy out back, unconscious who didn't quite hear - "
"-and I didn't tell *anyone*, and I covered for you and said I'd spilt my juice on you? Or how about the week I spent picking you up off the ground when you were trying to learn to ride your skateboard?"
"I did that for you too!"
"True," Jesse acknowledged with a sly grin. "The difference being that I got better."
"I think I have an inner ear disorder, that affects my balance," Xander replied loftily, trying not to grin.
"Okay how about the time you got caught stealing beer and I told the store guy you were me, and he called my parents and *I* got grounded for two weeks?"
Xander winced at the memory. That had been a year ago and he hadn't even wanted the stupid beer, but some big guys from High School had caught him outside the store and threatened to introduce their fists to his face if he didn't do it. By the most incredible luck Jesse had been in the store, and as a white-faced, tongue-tied Xander had struggled to tell the security guard his name, Jesse had jumped in, apparently ratting him out, and actually saving his ass by giving his own name and number. The thought of what his dad would have done if the guard had called *his* home was one that sent chills down Xander's spine.
"Yeah, well that was good," Xander acknowledged. Across the room, Lucy caught his eye and flashed him a smile. Xander grinned back. "But this is better."
***
A while later Xander had lost all track of time, he and Jesse had danced, had yelled conversations with people that they had gotten half-way through before realising everyone involved was talking about something completely different, and drunk a couple more of those red drinks, which were actually kind of nice once you got used to them. Sadly the nubile temptresses hadn't appeared yet to launch an assault on his virginity, but the night was still young. So this was a college party. It was chaotic and noisy and a little freaky and Xander was loving every moment of it. If he and Jesse weren't going to be hailed as the life and soul of the party - that honour was probably going to go to the two chicks who had done an impromptu strip tease, which sadly had been more tease than strip - then at least they didn't seem to be sticking out like sore thumbs.
Now, Jesse was engrossed in conversation with some girl called Kat who was studying geology at UC Sunnydale. Jesse loved all that stuff, rocks and tectonic plates, and was firing questions almost faster than she could answer. Xander had given him a little space in case it was going to turn into a hook-up by making a bathroom trip. The party had kicked up into overdrive, everyone seemed to be seriously out of it, couples who had hooked up were grinding together on the dance floor, or smooching on the couches. Meanwhile those who hadn't hooked up were roaring louder and drinking more heartily than ever.
As Xander made his way back from the bathroom he noticed the lights were dimmer and smoke was heavy in the air, and wondered a little uneasily if he could lose Jesse in all this. He needn't have worried. Although he was a good four years younger than most of the people here, Jesse's recent growth spurt had made him taller than most of the crowd, though he hadn't quite adjusted to his height yet and frequently slouched. He was still talking to Kat, and Xander hung back for a moment to watch them and make sure he wouldn't interrupt anything if he went over there. However although she was pretty in a dark-haired, glasses, bookish sort of way, it seemed Jesse was more interested in her brain than her body. Xander shook his head slightly with a small smile. How shallow was *that*?
His smile lingered as he looked at Jesse, watching him without him knowing, seeing his eyes focussed with interest. Xander felt a surge of almost passionate love for him rise up inside him. Jesse really was the *coolest*. Well of course he was, Xander wouldn't be friends with him if he wasn't. But it was more than just hanging out and goofing around or liking the same T.V, it was a feeling Xander got around him, a feeling that sometimes seemed to emanate right from the core of him, heart deep. Protected, and protective, he felt good around Jesse, even when he was sad. Like he was home, even when he didn't really know what home was meant to feel like. Sometimes just seeing Jesse's eyes narrow in thought, or being flashed one of his lop-sided grins, or just lying next to him flicking through his comics was enough to soothe Xander's muddled thoughts and make him feel safe, make him feel...
"Hi!" A voice interrupted his reverie, and he blinked, focussing on Lucy who was standing in front of him.
"Hey!" he said enthusiastically, "I didn't see you for a while, I thought maybe you took off."
"Hmm?" Lucy glanced over her shoulder at something with a sour look on her face, then turned back to him smiling sweetly. "Oh, no. Still here."
"Great! So have you had any thoughts about what your personal slave can do for you now? Any drinks you need fetching? Or how about a foot - or any other part you'd care to name - massage?"
Lucy glanced over her shoulder again and laughed far more heartily than Xander felt like that joke deserved. He glanced at what she'd been looking at, and noticed a beefy red-faced blond guy with no neck - jeez, what did they *feed* these college guys? - giving him an icy glare. Lucy stepped closer and patted his arm playfully.
"You are too much!"
Xander gave a weak smile, the guy's eyes were boring a hole into his head now and he was getting the distinct impression he was being played. "Do you know that guy?" he asked, nodding to the guy.
Lucy took a quick glance back, and turned back with a tightly satisfied look on her face. "Yeah, he's my boy - uh - my ex-boyfriend."
"Oh." An ex wasn't too bad he guessed. If a pretty girl wanted to talk to him at a party was he really going to stop because her ex didn't like it? It wasn't like it was any of his business.... And then again maybe it was, because the guy was coming over. Oh, *crap*.
"Cradle-snatching, Lucy?" the guy sneered with an unimpressed look at Xander, that to his embarrassment he could feel making him flush. Lucy gave a shrug.
"Gotta do something while you're off bimbo-hunting, Rob."
"For Gods sake Lucy, she's just a friend! I was only saying hello!"
Ah - not quite an ex then. Just a fight that he'd managed to get caught up in - oh great. This may be a really good time to make a sharp exit.
"Well, I'll just be leaving now and let you two talk out all your issues-"
"No, you don't have to go Xander," Lucy protested, catching hold of his arm, while shooting a furious look at Rob. "I'm sure Rob here will want to go and say 'hello' to lots of his *friends* and I need *someone* to talk to while he's IGNORING me!"
"No really I should get going-"
"Yeah, you should!" Rob agreed vehemently, giving him a poisonous look. "Should you even be at this party? Never mind talking to my girl?"
"Oh, so I *am* your girl?" Lucy shouted sarcastically. "Did you tell your *friend* that?" Rob was looking almost purple with anger now, and Xander was now struggling rather frantically against Lucy's tight grip on his arm, but despite his best efforts he couldn't pry her fingers off. Which in no way made him feel rather desperately unmanly. Xander shot a pleading look to Jesse, who thankfully was looking over at him, trying to see what was going on. A worried expression flitted over his face, and leaving Kat he began to make his way through the crowd.
"Well, maybe you're not my girl!" Rob yelled at Lucy. By this time some interested on-lookers were beginning to gather. "I don't know if I should be dating a chick who digs kids!"
"Hey, I'm not a kid!" Xander protested. Stupidly. Now *that* was a prime example of how running off at the mouth could get him into trouble. Oh crap - now the onlookers had formed a circle - this was turning into a *nightmare*.
"What's going on?" Jesse asked, as he squeezed through the crowd surrounding them, joining Xander and standing next to him in the middle of the circle.
"Who invited this guy?" Rob asked the room at large, pointing at Xander.
"Oh leave him alone, Rob!" Lucy snapped, but she had let go of Xander's arm and was beginning to look a little mollified, obviously Rob about to beat the crap out of him was improving her mood. Whup-ti-doo for her.
"He's with me," Jesse snapped.
Rob gave him an unimpressed look. "And who are you? Another kid? Are *you* invited?"
"We came with Brian," Jesse said.
"Who's Brian?" Rob glared.
"I know Brian!" a girl in the crowd piped up.
"Okay, so let's ask him!" Rob said. "Where is this Brian?" There was a pause where Xander and Jesse looked around desperately, and Xander realised with a sinking feeling that he hadn't seen Brian since they had arrived. Not that he was convinced Brian would be much help even if he was there.
"I don't think he came tonight," some guy in the crowd piped up and Xander briefly fantasised about thwacking him over the head with a lump hammer.
"He's here!" Xander protested, panicked. "Or he was, honestly we came with him, we just haven't seen him for a while, he went off with some girl called April."
"That bitch!" a guy in the crowd yelled, and rushed off, looking upset.
Jesse and Xander exchanged bewildered glances at this by-play but Rob was not to be distracted.
"Okay," Rob said evilly, pushing Jesse out of the way with a casual swipe of his hand as he stepped closer to Xander. "If you are invited you should be old enough to be here. So prove it. Have a drink," he pressed his full tankard of beer into Xander's hand. "And a smoke," he placed a smouldering cigarette in his other hand. "You have those - and I won't ask my buds here -" he gestured to the large guys hovering behind him, smirking - "to help me kick you out."
Xander swallowed.
"Rob, that's enough," Lucy huffed, but with no real bite behind it. "God, just let him leave."
Over Rob's shoulder Xander could see Jesse, his eyes wide with panic shaking his head vigorously at the drink and cigarette and pointing to the door, then turning it into a weird sort of dance move as the guy next to him turned to look curiously at him.
Maybe Jesse was right and leaving now amid the howls of laughter would be the thing least likely to get his ass kicked. However he had pride on his side. Not much, but enough not to let this guy humiliate him just because his girl had spoken to him! Xander took a deep breath, then as the crowd began to chant rhythmically, he had a long drag on the cigarette, refusing to let himself cough, luckily he knew the trick to it, since he and Jesse had stolen a few of his mom's cigarettes last month to try. It was every bit as foul as he remembered. The crowd whooped and he lifted the beer to his mouth. Now this he *hadn't* tried before - but it was just drinking right? How hard could it be? Very, seemed to be the answer. He drank and drank and drank - jeez, how big *was* this glass? - he was short of breath, his stomach was rolling in protest at the taste and strength of a drink he'd never had before, but he finished it without pausing. He lowered the empty glass as the room spun wildly around him.
The guys surrounding him gave a cheer, and clustered around Xander, clapping him on the back, congratulating him. Rob eyed him sourly, Lucy gave him a surprised, but encouraging smile. Xander gave a woozy one back. Maybe it was the beer talking, but he was kind of proud of himself! And then he bolted.
***
Jesse found him outside the house throwing up everything he'd eaten, *ever* in the flowerbed. Every time Xander thought it might be the end another gut-wrenching spasm wracked him. His head pounded relentlessly and his legs would have given out if he didn't have the wall to lean on. Valuable lesson. Do not chug a huge tankard of beer, after a night on red cocktails, when the strongest thing you've drunk to date is a mouthful of banana schnapps.
"Oh, man," Jesse said with sympathy, rubbing his back soothingly and continually. Eventually head pounding, and mouth sour, there was nothing left to come up. Xander managed to look up at Jesse.
"You okay now?" Jesse asked. "Any more?"
Xander gave a tiny shake of his head.
"I guess this is another thing you can add to the list of stuff you've done for me," Xander said gratefully as Jesse continued to rub his back, and with his other hand brushed the sweaty hair back that was clinging to his face.
"Ah, it's no big deal," Jesse demurred.
"Yeah it is, I should have just let them kick me out," Xander said glumly.
"Don't say that," Jesse consoled him. "You showed him, and at least you left of your own free will. Very fast too."
Xander gave a reluctant smile that Jesse returned with an easy grin and all at once, despite the disastrous scene in there, Xander felt a million times better. Jesse had just seen him at his most gross to date - including the kindergarten, wet pants incident - and was still here, rubbing his back, wanting to be around him. Not caring that Xander had gotten them thrown out of probably the only college party they'd ever go to until they got to college themselves. God, sometimes Xander loved Jesse so much it hurt. He was so damn lucky to have him, his best friend - the one who always made things okay, the one who loved him no matter what, the one who Xander ached for if they were apart for too long...
Xander caught his breath as something shifted inside him, inside his mind. Jesse was still rubbing his back, looking at him with concern - and something else. His eyes were dark and intense, and he was wearing that expression that he'd been wearing a lot lately, the one Xander had seen earlier today that had seemed so familiar, and finally Xander managed to place it. It was the way Willow looked at him when he was struggling with a math formula. An expression of patience, and hope, and eagerness, and just *waiting* for all the numbers to fall into place for him.
Oh.
*Oh*
Like a curtain finally drawing back to show him the hidden dimension, as naturally as turning a corner in his mind, there was Jesse, as though he'd been there all the time, just loitering, lingering, waiting for Xander to catch up. It was beautifully simple, woven so seamlessly into his life he hadn't even seen it until now, but now he did see. He was amazed, awed, almost speechless with the wonder of it. Their eyes locked and Jesse inhaled sharply as he read the stunned realisation Xander could feel written all over his face. Time spun out endlessly for a moment as they looked at each other.
"Jesse," he said in a low voice. Not a question, not a protest, it was acceptance, clear as a bell in his voice and Jesse trembled slightly, his hands sliding up to up Xander's face.
"Xander," he whispered, Xander's heart gave an excited lurch, he tilted his head up as Jesse stepped closer...
Just then a loud drunken roar came from the house, making them jump and breaking the moment. Xander suddenly remembered where he was, standing outside a strange house, with a load of drunken, cat-calling frat boys and their sulky girlfriends in there, having just puked up his guts up. Although he was trembling with happiness and wonder and nerves, this setting - and the taste in his mouth - was not The Sexy. Jesse seemed to read this too because he stepped back slightly reluctantly.
"You wanna go home?" Jesse asked.
Xander nodded wordlessly, but truthfully, he didn't care what they did. Go home, or walk all night. It didn't really matter, because all he wanted to do was slip his hand into Jesse's and never let go. They slowly set off. Jesse didn't hold his hand, but he kept an arm wrapped around Xander to support his still-trembling legs, and chatted idly about how great the geology course sounded and how he'd like to do that himself one day. Xander made jokes about what may happen to those flowers now he'd messed with their environment, and it was all good.
They reached Xander's house first, and Jesse walked him up to the porch. They looked at each other for a moment.
"Wait here a second," Xander said quickly before they could embark on a round of goodbyes, and Jesse obediently sat down on the porch steps to wait while Xander snuck quietly inside to wash his face and clean his teeth.
He rinsed and spat and rinsed and spat and steadfastly refused to look his shifty reflection in the eye or consider that he was doing this for anything other than good oral hygiene.
He joined Jesse on the porch, closing the door silently behind him. The last thing he needed was his parents waking up. The moon was full, the sky was clear and the street was deserted as he sat down next to Jesse.
"Hey, I'm sorry I spoiled your night," Xander said awkwardly. He wasn't quite sure how to approach this. How were you meant to tell your male best friend that you wanted - quite desperately - to kiss him until the sun came up, then sank again?
"You should be. You owe me big for this, I'm thinking major comic trade in my favour." Jesse smiled at him, then let his hand rest against Xander's forehead in a way that seemed vaguely medicinal, but really just felt really, really, nice. Xander sighed. Jesse sighed too and went to take his hand away. Entirely of its own violation Xander's hand reached up and caught it before it could pull away.
"Don't stop. 'S'nice," Xander said almost inaudibly. Jesse caught his breath slightly and Xander looked up at him. Their eyes caught and held, and Jesse was looking - just *looking* and why had no one told him that a look could be sexier, hotter than any amount of mild groping or kissing with girls you didn't care if you never saw again? But the way Jesse was watching him, breathing a little too fast, his eyes darkening was hotter than hot - and God, this was *it* he felt it - the thing that people talked about. Desire, longing - a hot, heavy thump in the pit of his stomach, that tasted sharp in his mouth and had his body tingling with excitement and all the right sort of fear. He shifted a little closer to Jesse. Jesse shifted closer to him, they inched into each other until they were so close their legs were pressed against each other and they could feel each other's breath on their faces. Xander rested his forehead on Jesse's, and inhaled his familiar scent - it was so comforting - so intrinsically *Jesse* Xander just wanted to fall, fall into him and never come out.
"Jesse," he whispered, shaking, his mouth hovering just over Jesse's. "Can I -"
"Yes," Jesse said too fast.
"You don't know what I was going to ask," Xander pointed out breathlessly. "I could have been asking for your entire comic collection."
Jesse flushed, and Xander was so close he could *feel* the heat radiating from his face. "Oh. Um..."
Whatever Jesse wanted to say after that 'um' Xander was fated to never find out, because suddenly he was kissing Jesse on the mouth and Jesse was kissing him back. Xander's eyes were fluttering shut, and his head was tilting to deepen the kiss, their mouths were opening to let their tongues explore each others, and Jesse's mouth was warm, slick and fitting just ... *perfectly*. So perfectly Xander thought he might just die of it. Jesse's hand threaded in his hair, and Xander's hands fluttered up from where they'd been resting on the steps, to lightly rest on Jesse's back - then tightening, ...pulling him closer ... and Xander's body was melting in a way he'd never felt before, letting go of all the stress and simultaneously charging up with a sweet, delicious warmth. And he was rubbing, circling his hands on Jesse's warm, solid back, feeling the heat of his skin through the thin shirt Jesse wore, and Jesse just ... *melted* against him, into him, into the kiss and this was *just* how he'd pictured kissing would be, in the days before he'd actually done it and realised it seemed to be more about concentrating on the moves than the person. But there was no concentration now. Just a kiss as easy and sweet and amazing as the first delicious bite of a chocolate bar, or falling backwards onto a feather bed or feeling the sunlight hit your face, and oh God this was good. This was *very* good. His groin was tingling, waking up, stiffening. With anyone else he might have been embarrassed or shy, but not with Jesse, and the hand that Jesse didn't have tangled in his hair was resting on his hip, which was a very favourable place for it as far as Xander was concerned, and right now he thought the only thing nicer than kissing Jesse would maybe be licking Jesse all over like he was ice-cream. Especially when he let his mouth slide from Jesse's to nibble down his neck and Jesse made a moan that was the single sexiest sound in the whole world and he had work his way back up to kiss his mouth again, because now he had started he could. Not. Stop. Kissing. Jesse, and why the *hell* had they waited so long to do this?
So. French-kissing Jesse on his porch at one in the morning. Man, he hadn't seen that coming.
***
Eventually, to Xander's regret the kiss seemed to reach a natural end, and they broke apart to look at each other. For a long moment neither of them broke the silence. Silence itself was unusual for them but in this new place they found themselves it didn't feel wrong. Maybe that was the trade off, light-hearted, uncomplicated babble for an uncertain, exciting, blissful quiet.
"So," Xander said at last. "I guess that was us making out."
"Yeah, I guess so," Jesse agreed with a shaky laugh.
"Why didn't you say anything before now?" Xander asked.
Jesse bit his lip. "I wanted to, but I wasn't sure - I figured if there was anything there for you, you'd find it on your own."
Xander grinned. "I may be slow on the uptake, but I get there in the end."
"Yeah," Jesse's eyes flickered almost... well *lovingly* over Xander - and why the *hell* has it taken Xander so long to realise just how *sexy* Jesse's eyes are? He didn't think he'd ever be able to look into them again without wanting to drag him off and do wicked, lickable things to him. "So," Jesse said nervously. "What do we do now?"
Xander bit his lip. He didn't know, he was sixteen and had just frenched a guy. He felt a lot of things, worried, excited, happy, a little freaked, still curious about girls, but - and this was new - not in any rush either. Maybe it didn't all magically have to fall into place now. Maybe muddling through the mess was part of the fun. What he did know was that he couldn't imagine anyone he'd want to muddle through it with more than Jesse, and that this place right here, with Jesse's fingers twined in his, and his kiss still tingling on Xander's mouth, this was a very good place to be. He was happy to hang out here for a while.
"Well," he said stroking Jesse's hand with his thumb, "I guess we do all the 'Dawson's Creek' sort of stuff."
"Panic about our sexuality," Jesse said, lifting their clasped hands to place a kiss on Xander's inner wrist.
"Worry about ruining our friendship," Xander picked up, beginning to kiss up Jesse's neck.
"Obsess about whether to tell anyone," Jesse said in a high, breathy whisper as Xander's tongue flicked over the lobe of his ear.
Xander pulled back. "And I guess we carry on making out and see where it takes us?"
"Yeah, okay. Cool," Jesse said casually, shooting him a dazzling smile and gripping Xander's finger's tightly. Not saying anything else. Not needing too. And then they were kissing again. It was another hour before they managed to part long enough for Xander to walk Jesse to the mailbox and even then their arms were tangled around each other. Once they got to the mailbox it was a further half-hour before they finished saying goodbye.
Eventually Jesse left, and Xander watched him walk down the street, looking back at him all the while.
Xander smiled. Exhausted, amazed, overjoyed. Standing at the start of something new.
The End
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