Sweet Revenge
Part 25
"There has to be something I can do!"
"There will be." Tara said, watching with worry as Willow threw books onto the bed, frantically examining and discarding papers and powders, scattering them on the floor. She was whirling through the room too hurriedly to even take in what she was looking at.
"You'll find a way, but not like this, you need to calm down."
Willow barely even looked at her. "I can't calm down I have to *do* something! Xander is with Spike right now!"
"He didn't seem too unhappy about it." Tara said tentatively, with an awkward half smile, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.
"He's crazed! He doesn't know what he's doing!" Willow's fingers flicked feverishly through a spell book. She knew that Tara was just trying to help, but she didn't want support, or to talk, she wanted to make this *stop*, right now, before it was too late. She gazed without comprehension at the pages that flashed before her, all she could see was Xander with Spike, *holding hands*. Her best friend gazing tenderly into the eyes of a demon bent on destroying him. Cold fear for Xander ran like ice water under her skin, into her bones, tightening her stomach, making her feel slightly sick. She had to help, she had to *act*, now.
"What are you looking for?" Tara asked helplessly.
"I don't know, maybe a spell to see things clearly, or a de-lusting spell or . . . "
"Willow no!" Tara said shocked.
"There's got to be something I can use, something that can stop Xander from . . ."
"It's wrong." Tara's voice was as determined as when she was telling Dawn there was no way they would help raise Joyce. Willow bit back the urge to scream with frustration and worry. She didn't want to fight, she just wished Tara would understand there were no hard and fast rules with magic, rules didn't apply, not for something like this.
"I have to help him Tara!" She said tearfully.
"I know you want to help but you're not thinking straight."
"I am! Spike is evil, and hurting Xander!"
"You have to take this slow, talk to him . . ."
"I tried. You saw me try!"
"No, I saw you demand that he come away with you, and now I see you trying to make this go away without even telling him! Willow this is Xander's choice. You can't just set yourself up as the boss of him and start using magic to make him behave how you want!"
"Tara, Xander is in big trouble! You know that - it's . . .it's *Spike*!"
"Spike can't hypnotise him or force him to do anything he doesn't want. I mean I agree it's *crazy*, but whatever is going on Xander has chosen to go along with it. Besides I didn't pick up any feel from Spike that he was trying to hurt Xander. I think when he said he wanted to be with Xander he was telling the truth."
"Oh right, so you what, read his aura or something?" Willow said sarcastically, "Oooh I feel so much better now that my best friend is alone with a *monster*."
Tara flinched and the shame crashed through Willow, rational thought returning as she saw Tara take a step back, her head ducking, her hair tumbling down to hide her face.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly, going over to Tara and stroking her arm apologetically. Tara caught hold of her hand and Willow squeezed back tightly. That had been the first time she'd ever made Tara look like that and she didn't like it.
"I guess I'm acting a little crazed. I'm just so *worried* about him." Willow slumped down in a chair, all the energy flooding out of her. "Just seeing him like that. Like they were. ."
"A couple?" Tara suggested kneeling next to her.
"Yeah. It was like he wasn't even Xander anymore."
"Because he's . . .with a guy?"
"Yeah but not just that, the guy thing I could get used to. I mean, hello, look at me, totally on board with the gay thing. But *Spike*? And he nearly *hit* me, and Xander still . . ."
"I know."
"What am I gonna do?" Willow asked helplessly. "Do you think I should tell Buffy, or Giles?"
Tara's hand was warm and soothing as she stroked her hair. "I think tonight you're tired, and upset. You need to try and get some sleep. We can talk in the morning when you're thinking more clearly, and my guess is Xander will be around here tomorrow, looking for some soothing Willow. You haven't lost him."
Willow's eyes swam with tears. "I feel like I have."
"Sweetie . . ."
"I can't remember when I first met him. He's been in my life that long." Willow said, almost to herself. "When he was little he was always getting into trouble, and I'd try and cover up for him." She looked up at Tara, suddenly becoming aware of her again. "I feel like this is my fault. Like I should have saved him."
Tara continued to stroke her hair as she tried to think of the right thing to say. "He's still Xander. Maybe he just doesn't need saving anymore. He's like a boat."
Willow frowned as she replayed that last sentence. It still didn't make sense. "What?"
"You guys go back a long way and are really close, and maybe you've never really cut him loose. Like a boat. Maybe you need to let him sail."
"What if he sinks?"
"What if he doesn't?"
Willow still looked bewildered as she struggled to see this new viewpoint and Tara pressed on. "What if Xander had tried to take you away from me?"
"No way would I let him . . .Oh." Willow began to grasp what Tara was trying to say - then hit a wall in her mind again. "But *Spike*?"
"You know I care about Xander, if I thought he was in any danger from Spike I'd have helped you try and take him away, I think he'll be okay, at least tonight. Do you believe me?"
Willow nodded. She trusted Tara completely, and Tara was able to tune into people's feelings, their auras so much better than she could. If Tara was certain Xander was safe with Spike tonight then he was safe. But even later, warm in bed, with Tara pressed against her, sleep remained elusive.
***
Spike woke slowly. Warmth was pressed next to him, an arm wrapped tightly around him. He opened his eyes properly to look down at Xander who was using his chest as a pillow. They were so close he could feel Xander's heartbeat thudding peacefully against him. He looked so calm. Content. Spike tentatively brushed his fingers brush over Xander's dark hair, afraid to disturb him. He'd had some sweet nights in his time. Some memories he relived over and over. Passionate, triumphant or tender. Not one of them came close to last night. And nothing had prepared him for the feelings he had on waking up and finding Xander Harris wrapped around him. Open and vulnerable and his. It was so sweet it hurt, made him ache inside. He'd never had so much before, never had so much to lose. He tried to take in everything. Every last detail. The exact feel of Xander's skin pressed against his, the texture of his hair, the scent . . .
Xander began to stir slightly in his arms and the dark eyes fluttered open. Spike met his gaze unwaveringly, though he suddenly felt cold, his throat tight. But he'd made up his mind. He wasn't going to stand back and watch as Xander was taken away from him. The quicker this was over the better.
Xander blinked a few times, focussed, then smiled at him a little nervously.
"Um hey." Xander said, feeling a slight blush rise in his cheeks as he remembered some of the wickedly wonderful things Spike had done to him last night. Some of the stuff he'd done back.
"Hey" Spike replied. "How you feeling?"
Xander stretched himself experimentally and winced slightly. "Okay, a bit stiff. Not that I'm complaining" he added hurriedly.
Spike gave a half smile, and shifted away from him slightly to grab his smokes.
Xander's brow furrowed a little. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Great" Spike replied quietly.
Silence fell and Xander didn't quite know how to break it. He looked around aimlessly at the crypt. It wasn't exactly overwhelmed with home comforts, he needed a shower and a coffee in the worst way, though he was still loath to leave. "Do you know what time it is?" he asked at last.
Spike shrugged. "Dunno. Early."
Xander nodded. "Hope so otherwise I'll be late for work."
"Yeah." Spike agreed. "You got to go now?"
"I guess so." Xander swallowed down the disappointment that Spike was being a little odd, slightly cool towards him. It was a bit of a let down, last night had been so incredible. Maybe that was the problem, Spike could be feeling a little embarrassed about just how much he'd said, done; it *was* all pretty overwhelming. Maybe a little alone time for them both to get used to all of this would be no bad thing.
His flagging spirits revived, he slid out of bed and began looking around for his clothes. He spotted his boxers and jeans in a crumple at the foot of the bed and slid into them, grimacing slightly at putting on the cold, none too fresh clothes. He was definitely going to have to stop at home before work. He found his shirt and glanced around for his shoes. One was under Spike's jeans, but couldn't see the other. Poking around he went to move back the curtain hanging in the corner of Spike's cavern.
"Xander!" Spike burst out. Xander jumped away from the curtain nervously.
"What?"
Spike looked nonplussed for a moment then said, "It's there." He pointed to the other corner of the room, where Xander spotted his shoe lying on its side next to the chair.
"Right. Thanks." Then he looked back at the curtain. "What's behind the curtain Spike?" he asked flippantly.
"Blood bags." Spike replied, staring at his cigarette as though he'd never seen anything quite like it before. "Oh and a skull."
Xander shuddered. "Ugh. Too early." He sat down on the chair and laced up his shoes, then stood. "Well," he said awkwardly, "I'd better get to work."
"Alright."
"But tonight . . .I can get out of patrolling, or you could come over afterwards, and we could . . ." He trailed off feeling the blush rise again.
"Yeah." Spike said. "Well . . .we'll see what happens."
"O-okay." Xander turned away, then swiftly turned back. "Okay what? What's wrong?"
"Nothing" Spike fumbled with his lighter. Quick, quiet that was how it was going to be. Easier on both of them. When Xander finished work he'd be long gone from Sunnydale. Best thing. Obviously. Now if Xander would just *leave*. Stop making this so damn *hard*.
"Yeah I can see what a happy place you're in right now." Xander said irritated, ignoring the flicker of nervousness stirring. "I thought we were going to start being honest with each other now."
Spike kept his eyes fixed on the floor.
"You know if there's something you want to say ..." Xander said, panic making his voice harsh.
Spike sighed, ran his fingers through his ruffled hair, trying to stall for time, but Xander just waited. His dark eyes frightened but determined and Spike felt that damn admiration for him creep through him again, that admiration that made him be honest, even when he least wanted to.
"How do you think your friends are going to take this?"
Xander looked down. "Well . . ."
"You saw Red last night."
"She was shocked, I mean this is pretty shocking right?" Xander said quickly. "She just needs a little time."
Spike gave a humourless laugh. "And what about Buffy? Giles? How do you think they'll take it?"
Xander dropped his eyes to the floor. Spike shook his head.
"Have you even thought about this at all?"
"No . . ." Xander stammered. " Not yet, but I will . . ."
Spike didn't reply and Xander swallowed down the guilty feeling that maybe Spike was hurt by his reluctance to admit they were together. He wasn't the bad guy here! Maybe if Spike hadn't been such an asshole in the past they wouldn't be facing this problem now.
"With my friends it's complicated! You know you haven't exactly got the best track record."
"So what you're just going to keep it secret?"
"Not forever, just for a little while. We just have to deal with Glory and . . ."
"And how long do you think Willow's going to keep this quiet?" Spike began to pull on his jeans in awkward, jerky motions.
"I'll talk to Willow."
Spike didn't look at him.
"Spike?" Xander cautiously laid a hand on Spike's back but Spike shrugged it off, standing up and pulling on his T-shirt.
"Why do we have to think about all this now? Can't we just *be* for a while?" Xander snapped, fear making him sound angry.
"They would never let us just 'be', and maybe they're right. Xander I'm a *vampire* do you even know what that means anymore?" Spike knew he should keep his mouth shut, that he wasn't exactly sticking to the 'quiet, quick' approach, but it was so hard and hurt so much he was screaming inside. He couldn't *bear* it. He had to somehow get all this hurt out of him, load words up with poison and spit it out. Maybe it was better this way - to make Xander hate him again. Easier for both of them. And maybe at the end of the day, being a bastard was all he knew how to be.
"I'll tell you what it means, it means I look on humans as my food, it means I kill people. It means I've done things that would give you nightmares for the rest of your life if you'd seen them. I'm *evil*."
"I know what you are." Xander said quietly.
"And you're quite happy to just go along with it - until what? I get this chip out - or we might get lucky, it might never happen an' you might decide to stay with me and I get to watch you get killed in some little Scooby fight, or *really* lucky and just watch you grow old and die. I can't even turn you."
"What?" Xander asked stunned. That had come sliding out so suddenly he didn't even know if he'd heard it right. "Turn me?"
"Make you a vampire? Yeah why not?" And he didn't mean it, of course he didn't, no way would he let that happen, but Xander still wasn't leaving and he had to make him mad, get him *out* . . .
Xander shook his head slowly. For a second Jesse's face danced in front of him. Except it wasn't Jesse's face. It was something demonic and cruel. No, don't think about that, can't bear to think about that. He focussed on Spike again. "I've always had nightmares about it."
Spike shrugged as if he'd expected nothing else. " But you're quite happy to fuck something you hate?"
"I don't hate you and it's not ''fucking'. Spike . . .don't . . ."
"Don't what?" Spike said harshly. "Don't act like what I am? Like a demon? Like the thing you have nightmares about? I don't have a soul . . ."
"Okay but you have a heart and a brain, and you, you're *different* from other vampires . . ."
"You'd like to think that wouldn't you?!" Spike yelled.
"You're twisting everything! You don't have to be like this!"
"I know I don't have to, I want to. It's what I am. You like what you've fallen in love with? I'm telling you how it is. I don't feel guilt about anything, okay? I can treat you however the hell I like, I could reduce you to rubble and not give *that*" Spike tried to snap his fingers, and couldn't. He rubbed the heels of his hands fiercely into his eyes. /No don't break down, not yet, wait 'till he's gone . . ./
But Xander hadn't gone. He was still standing behind him.
/Just tell him you don't love him/ a voice spoke up in Spike's head, but he couldn't. The closest he could come was:
"I shouldn't have said what I did last night. You should just f-forget about it."
Xander said unsteadily. "I love you."
Spike squeezed his eyes tight shut. "Don't . . ." /Xander, no. Don't do this. Don't be nice for fucks sake. Hate me. Hate me. Its easy when you hate me. Easier for both of us. Don't love me, don't be sweet, it's only making this scary and hard and so bloody painful . . ./
Xander's arms slid around his waist. Holding him. Grounding him. The heat of him pressed up against his back, and Spike couldn't summon the will to push him away. He opened his eyes to look at the strong, slightly rough hands clasped across his stomach.
Xander's voice dropped into his ear. Close and warm. "Even when you're acting like this. I love you. I've never said that to anyone before. I know you're scared. I am too. But it'll be okay. We'll work it out."
"Would you come away with me?" Spike asked, keeping his eyes fixed on Xander's hands, already knowing the answer.
Xander froze. "I can't. Not now. I've got a life, a job, friends here, friends that are in a lot of danger, I can't just walk out on all that."
"I know." Spike agreed quietly.
"It'll be okay." Xander crooned. Spike grabbed hold of Xander's wrist, holding on tightly. "One day at a time, that's how we'll do it. After we find out how to get rid of Glory, maybe we can go away, for a little while. The guys will understand, and we'll make this work, we will."
Spike let himself rest against Xander for a moment. Despising himself for his weakness he closed his eyes and listened to Xander's soothing voice spin an impossible dream.
***
The knock on Willow's door came early, she staggered out of bed, struggling into her dressing gown and yawning. Tara had already gone to class and she was alone, her brain still cobwebbed with tiredness she opened the door, then froze as she saw who it was. She tried to slam the door, but it was too late he'd already jammed his foot in the way.
"If you don't move away . . ."
"I'm here to apologise Red. Give a bloke a bleedin chance will you?"
"For what, what have you done to Xander?"
"Nothing .Well . . ." Spike amended. "Nothing bad. I came to apologise to you, for last night, nearly hittin' you. I'm sorry."
Willow gave him a look of deep contempt. "If you think I'm going to fall for . . ."
"I'm really bloody sorry!" And he genuinely was. He'd always liked Red before this, she and Joyce had been the only ones who'd ever even been polite to him. He'd even considered turning her at one point. She'd have been a sweetly vicious little bit of stuff to have hanging around. In a way he'd almost thought of her as a friend. Before he'd started playing with one of her friends and awoken the bitch within.
"You always treated me decently, even when I had no right to expect it. So I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry I acted like a wanker when you were only looking out for your mate. And I know where you're coming from with Xander. If I'd have been you I'd have dusted me."
Her face remained unwavering, and shit this was hard work, His eyes ached with tiredness, his very essence felt rough and hurting.
"Look I'm leaving Sunnydale, today, now, but I had to see you first, to apologise and ask you a favour."
She would have laughed, except she'd never been less amused in her life. "You have got to be kidding - I wouldn't ... "
"It's not for me, it's for Xander." Spike said, exhaustion and desperation jostling for position in his voice.
Willow stopped talking. "What? What does Xander need me to do?"
"Never tell him."
Her brow creased as she stared at him, like she was trying to discern just what he was up to now, and Spike didn't even have the energy to try and look sincere. He just leaned on the doorframe and met her searching emerald gaze with his own unhappy blue eyes. Whatever it was she was looking for she must have found, because her brow creased a little further, but she opened her door wider. "Alright. Come in."
She stepped back and Spike followed her inside.
She stood with her arms crossed defensively. "You're leaving?"
"Yeah."
"When?"
"Now, as soon as I've finished talking to you, just gonna go pack and I'm gone." The words came out roughly like they were catching on something in his throat. He was beginning to understand why he'd never done the right thing before.
"Does Xander know?"
Spike dropped his eyes. "No."
"Have you broken it off with him?"
"No."
Her face was an open book, the sheer contempt and disgust for him were way to close to what he was feeling to take it from someone else.
"Oh don't look like that! I'm doing it for him. No games, no tricks, just this. Yeah I started this for all the reasons you guessed . . ."
"How could you?" Willow interrupted in disgust. "How could you use him like that! He's never done anything to you!"
"I know alright! It's not like that now. You know I've got bloody reason to be pissed off here as well. Things were going perfectly until he made me feel things for him."
"What things?"
"That's private." Spike muttered. "But I don't want him hurt."
Willow stared at him suspiciously. It was a trick. It had to be. But . . .Spike really did look terrible. Exhausted, and unhappy, and *hurting*. Much in fact like she had looked in those awful half-alive days after Oz had left.
Spike sensed she was wavering inside and pressed on. "I can't do it to him. I *can't*. Please." Oh hell how he *hated* begging. He gritted his teeth and said it again. "Please. Don't tell him."
"Give me a good reason not to." She challenged.
"It'll destroy him."
Willow's eyes flickered for a second. Spike pressed on.
"You don't want that. Neither do I, and if I'm gone there's no need to tell him right?" Spike's voice broke slightly.
Willow gasped as the truth hit her. She may not be as good as Tara at reading auras, but Spike was practically a floodlit signpost, she'd have to be blind not to get this.
"You're in love with him!" Willow said in a stunned voice. All the fight drained out of Spike and he just felt very, very tired.
"Yeah."
Willow's arms fell to her sides. This was *unbelievable*, but looking at Spike, what could she do but believe it? Maybe a tiny thought whispered, she hadn't wanted to see this, it would be so much easier if Spike was using Xander, lines would be so clear, black and white, who was bad, who was good. She could have destroyed Spike with a clear conscience, but not now. This wasn't black and white, but a murky mixture of both. It was a mess.
She sighed. Why oh why did this have to have happened? Why did she have to be caught up in it?
"Alright. I won't tell him."
Spike's eyes burned with relief. "Willow, I . . ."
"I'm not doing it for you." She said, ruthlessly negating any gratitude. "I'm doing it for Xander. You're right. It'll only hurt him, and all I want is for him to be okay."
Spike nodded. "He will be. Once I'm gone."
"You're still going to go? I mean right away without telling him?"
"I couldn't do it if I saw him again." He inhaled raggedly, "and it'd never work. Thought we could start again, put it all behind us. But who was I kidding? Besides, he's a mortal. It's for his own good."
Willow rolled her eyes, as her anger, simmering within began to boil over. "What a load of hooey! At least be honest. You don't mean for his own good, you mean for your own good! I'm so sick of you men, you start something, knowing its going to lead to problems, and the minute you hit one you pack up and leave. You're just scared! You found something you really want and it might go wrong, well hello! Welcome to the world! Things don't always work out the way you want but they could still work out . . ."
She stopped, suddenly realising what Tara had been trying to say last night. How her life had turned out differently - yet far better - than she or her friends had ever planned, and Tara advising her that maybe the time had come to let Xander 'set sail'.
Spike was staring questioningly at her, his scarred brow raised.
"Red, what are you saying? You think I should stay?" he asked at last.
"No - I didn't say that, exactly, I just . . ."
She stopped and tried to reassemble her thoughts into some kind of working order. She remembered Xander, all those years she'd been best friends with him. Saved him, been saved by him in return. Memories jumbled in her head. Five year old Xander playing with her on the swings bounced off a grim, pale Xander who faced down Angelus. Tara was right. It was time to cut the cord.
"Lets get this straight." She said to the vampire her friend was in love with. "I hate you. I think you're cruel and sick and selfish, and you and me, we're not going to be friends. Ever. You should never have started this."
She stopped to drum up the nerve to carry on, but found it at once, remembering Xander's own willingness to let her set sail, and find Tara. "But you did, things have happened and Tara believes you when you say you don't want to play games anymore, and I believe you when you say you do love him. And if you can make Xander happy, then you should do it. I won't say what I know, whether you stay or go. Unless you step so much as one foot out of line. That's all."
***
Xander went through his day at work in a daze. One minute he could barely keep the smile off his face, the next he was quietly freaking inside. Spike loved him! Was this how it was meant to be when you were in love? He didn't really know - he'd never felt it before. Was he supposed to keep playing last night over and over in his head? As he worked his hands were encased in battered gloves, but in his head his hands were sliding over the satin of Spike's skin, his wet mouth at Spike's neck. At his nipples, at his . . .
Xander broke out of that memory with a palpable effort. The last thing he needed was to slice his hand off or something which he was apt to do if he followed that train of thought.
Being in love was amazing. Incredible. Scary. Last night was the first time he'd said 'I love you' out loud. To someone he was *in* love with. He'd said it to Buffy, a million times in his head. He'd said it to Willow as a friend. He'd never managed to say it to Anya though, or Cordelia. Even though he'd known saying those words would win them back. But the words he'd never been able to bring himself to say had come sliding out of his mouth, faster than greased lightening. True, emotions had been running high, but today he had to face facts he'd said it.
To Spike.
He was in love with Spike. So in love with Spike he could feel it with every beat of his heart. So in love it hurt to *breathe* and it wasn't happy sunshiny love, it wasn't something he'd have chosen, but it was something real, right in the ground of his being and he couldn't stop any more than he could have ripped a vital part of himself out. He didn't know how it could have happened but it wasn't going to stop.
Shit.
He hated being so out of control. It wasn't that he didn't feel it, he did, he just hated admitting it, and he guessed by the way Spike had been acting this morning he felt the same. But when he'd left Spike had seemed okay. Still a little quiet but he'd given up on the idea of them going away together and he was going to come and see him tonight. Tonight.
A thump of need in the pit of his belly made him shoot another look at the clock. Damnit! Couldn't the day go any faster? Space was probably a good idea, but he ached to see him, to touch him. In just a few hours they could curl up for the night and shut the world out.
He could understand Spike was scared, he was scared himself, but after last night they couldn't walk away from this. Spike loved him! He loved Spike. They'd get all this sorted out, with some diplomatic miracle he couldn't quite imagine yet Buffy and Giles would be happy for him, Willow and he would make up and he would grow old with Spike, and Spike . . .wouldn't.
Okay, it wasn't going to be perfect. He honestly couldn't imagine the kind of life he'd have with Spike but whatever it was he knew he wanted it more than a life without him. Buffy and Willow would be fine, they had both had unconventional relationships in their time, a vampire, a werewolf another witch. Hey this was the Hellmouth! They'd get over it. And if they didn't? Well he wouldn't let himself think about that right now. It would be alright. It would.
He shot another look at the clock. Just a little longer.
***
'Dear Xander,' Spike's pen spluttered across the page, 'I'm sorry but'
/What a load of hooey/
'this is for your own good.'
/You don't mean for his own good, you mean for your own good!/
'It's not that I don't love you, I'
/You're just scared!/
'just don't see any way this could work. I'm an evil bastard and'
/Even when you're acting like this I love you/
Spike threw his pen down. What was it with these bloody Scoobies! They couldn't give a creature of the night a fucking break! He was trying to be decent. He was. With trembling hands he set fire to the letter. It was the fourth one he'd started, time was marching on and he still hadn't come close to writing out what was really swirling around in his mind, what he really wanted to say;
'I'm sorry I love you so much I'm too scared to stay and watch you die, I'm scared I won't be good enough and you'll start to hate me.'
Okay so maybe Red had a point. If she wasn't going to tell Xander then he didn't have to leave. She and Xander were right, he *was* scared, but this was scary stuff. He couldn't just go on and hope tomorrow would sort itself out. He needed to think. To make a decision. But not here. He flashed a glance around the crypt, his eyes fell on the bed. The crumpled sheets, that Xander's fingers had clenched in as he had thrust into him, all the heat, tightness . . .Spike shook his head, it was too confining in here, the air that still smelt of Xander was distracting.
He grabbed his coat. It was nearly sunset and he was going to take a drive.
***
After work Xander headed to Buffy's to explain he would be absent from patrol. He knew he could call, but he wanted to see if Buffy was okay, he hadn't seen much of her lately. Before he knocked he ran his fingers through his hair, and tried to compose his features, sure that somehow she was going to be able to tell he'd spent last night with Spike.
He took a deep nervous breath and tried to laugh at himself. This was crazy! It was only *Buffy*. They were still buds. But she knew so little of his life. For a second he caught a glimpse of what Spike had been talking about this morning. Hiding things from his friends, insurmountable tensions. But not forever, he thought quickly. Just until things settled down a little.
He wished he was at home with Spike behind the bedroom door for a few precious hours.
/Come on/ he chided himself /just a quick chat with the Buffster, then its home and peace and Spike kissage. Spike gropage. Spike lovage/
He knocked and after a moment Buffy opened the door, looking tired, but somehow better than she'd looked for a while. Calmer he guessed, like the pressure had eased from inside her a little.
"Hey Buff."
"Hey Xander, it's good to see you. Come in."
She ushered him inside and followed him, sitting next to him on the couch.
"What's up?"
"I just wanted to say I may have to bow out of patrol tonight, I'm uh, not feeling so hot."
"Oh." Buffy looked nonplussed. "Well actually I was thinking maybe we could all take a break from patrolling tonight. I wanted to hang out with you guys - I know I've been distracted girl lately."
"Buffy you're entitled." Xander said.
She smiled sadly. "I know. But if anything all this - it's made me realise how important it is to be with you guys and with things so crazy with Glory . . .well, we never know what's going to happen next. We should spend a little time together. So you want to come over with Willow? Giles and Dawn too and we can . . ."
Xander shook his head. "It sounds so great, but . . .well me and Willow are kind of weird at the moment."
"Oh? Why?"
Xander struggled for an explanation that didn't involve Spike, yet wasn't a total lie. "I don't know . . . just she's a little overprotective since Anya left, and I know she's only looking out for me but . . ."
"Ah." Buffy smiled with understanding. "Been there. It can get to you. I remember when I came back after running away . . ." She faltered a little over the next word but carried on. "Mom and Giles drove me crazy."
She patted his shoulder sympathetically. "But she's probably only trying to help. I know you know this but she does love you. I mean, she was so worried about Spike and you"
Xander's heart gave a hard thud of fear. Willow, couldn't, she *wouldn't* have told Buffy about him and Spike already would she? Not without talking to him first? Buffy couldn't know, she was being way too normal, he reassured himself frantically.
"What?" He managed to ask, his stomach clenching into hard little knots.
Buffy replied unconcernedly. "Well you were kind of weird there for a while, probably just missing Anya, but Willow said she saw Spike going into your place and we were worried he was doing something to upset you. I mean I know Willow told you - Spike told me he was in love with me?"
Xander felt all the colour drain out of his face."She said . . ." Something seemed to have happened to his tongue. It wouldn't work properly. Words were hard to come by. "Um she said he had a crush on you. It was more that that? I mean he . . . he actually said he was in love with you?"
"Yeah. Or Spike's version of love, more like mega obsession. Yuk. God it was so creepy, he had all this stuff of mine, pictures. I don't even want to think about what he's been doing with them. Well lets just say he did *not* take rejection well. When I heard Spike was hanging around you and you were upset I was worried, well we were all worried, that he was doing something to you - you know playing games with your head, trying to hurt you so he could brag to me, trying to get back at me for saying no . . .Um Xander? Are you okay?"
It was the little things he remembered first, stuff that had never really added up. Spike starting this almost immediately after Buffy rejected him. Spike's obvious enjoyment of making it as humiliating as possible for him. Spike's instance on sleeping with him when Spike could get anyone. Then flashes of memory got faster, flickering through his brain like high speed shutters. The bigger stuff, Spike admitting the demon attack had been a lie to get an invite into his place, hadn't that been a little extreme? Willow gently telling him about Spike's crush - and hadn't he sensed even then that there was more to this than he knew? And finally last night Willow protective to the last, her shout echoing in his ears.
/Xander he's using you! He's obsessed with Buffy!/
"Xander?" Buffy was saying confused, "hey what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Xander heard himself saying as if from a long way off. "I've just remembered I have a place to be."
"Oh well maybe we can . . . ."
Xander stumbled out of the house slamming the door behind him.
" . . .catch up later." Buffy finished to an empty room, her brow creased with bewilderment.
***
Spike lounged comfortably on his duster as he surveyed the deserted beach, the silver water. He'd been here for a while now. He like to pretend that he didn't have much time for beauty, but that was a lie. Of course he loved the noise, the scent, the charge you got off a roomful of smoke and loud music and people, but wide open spaces and sea breeze and moonlight had its charm. He'd like to bring Xander here. He wondered idly if he could take Xander away where they'd go. Anywhere where Xander would like to go he guessed. He'd already been pretty damn near everywhere on this rock. The only stipulation he'd make was they'd have to go someplace where nobody would bother them. Paris maybe. Parisians barely raised an eyebrow at anything.
Spike exhaled, feeling the tension draining away from his body. To think he'd thought he was being brave leaving town! To gutless to stay was more like the truth. He had genuinely wanted to do the best thing for Xander, but he'd also wanted to get *away*, before he got hurt. Caught up in a life where he'd have to make nice with the Slayer. A life where he would have to watch Xander grow old and die. And that was a best case scenario. William the Bloody. Terrified of loving a mortal. Except he wasn't William the Bloody anymore. He didn't know who he was anymore. Loving Xander meant giving up on being the man he had been. And he liked the man he had been. He'd had a blast.
Maybe he'd even wanted the Slayer because she was what he'd been used to. Trained for by Drusilla and Angelus. Someone out of reach, demanding, some good looking heartbreaker who would never have been happy with him.
With Xander he'd have to be a good guy. There was no other way - it was the 'good and pure' light that shone out of Xander like a lighthouse beam. Loving Xander meant giving up on the daydream of ever getting this bloody chip out. It meant giving up on seeing anything other than Sunnydale for the foreseeable future. No more hunting, drinking, bleeding, screaming. It meant bagged blood and good manners and drinking tea and helping people. The whole thing had a vanilla feel to it that made him feel slightly sick. But it also meant Xander, the one thing he now knew he was never going to give up. Xander was leading him into a new world, and while it wasn't his world, it was one he could adapt to. Maybe he wasn't the best thing for Xander, but he could make himself be, and although it wasn't going to be a picnic he already knew it was going to be worth it. Especially since Red was now - kind of - on their side, he could relax a little. Xander never needed to know just how badly this had begun.
It was time to use those famous guts he'd boasted of. Long haul guys didn't run away because they were scared. Yeah, the thought of watching Xander age was scary, but the thought of *missing* it . . .that was unbearable. Xander was going to die an old man, warm and loved, and Spike was going to be right there holding his hand.
He bid good-bye to Buffy. Silently and without drama, he'd been chasing something that didn't exist. He'd been a bastard so long he'd forgotten he could be anything else. It was time to find out.
He rose, he had one thing to do before he went to find Xander.
***
Xander raced to Spike's crypt, his heart thudding fast, his breath sounding in his ears, harsh and loud. He felt disconnected to everything, everything was dreamlike, except no dream had ever taken so much painful effort to move. Never in any dream had he felt so much sick despair. Never had getting anywhere in a dream felt so bumpy and hard going. No, no dream had ever felt like this. But a couple of nightmares had.
He finally got to the graveyard and hammered on the door to Spike's crypt but when there was no answer he burst in.
"SPIKE!"
There was no sign of him in the above ground part. There wasn't much of anything in this part - Spike kept all his stuff underground.
He scrambled down into the cavern his hands shaking so much he kept slipping on the ladder. It was empty in here too. Undisturbed from this morning. He felt oddly like crying and wanted to scream, to run away to do something, anything but be here, now. Wanted to go back to last night when everything was hopeful and new. Wanted to go home and wait for Spike and pretend he'd never seen Buffy today . . .
His eyes fell on the curtain in the corner. The nightmare feel was stronger, but the thing he was running from was right in front of him. He began to walk over to it. The sick feeling was getting worse, but he was only aware of it on the very edge of his mind, the rest of him was impossibly blank.
People hid so much stuff. So many things that you could never know about someone. No matter how close you were. But some stuff could be discovered if you tried, stuff hidden under the flimsiest of covers. But sometimes it was easier to just accept the cover. Not look at what was underneath. He could have found this out a long time ago if he'd really wanted to. But he hadn't, because maybe he didn't want to know, some things he just wasn't ready for. Like staring directly at the sun could blind you, some truths were just too painful. He stopped. For a sick, shaking moment he just stared. Then, with a quick desperate movement; he wrenched back the curtain.
***
When Spike got back to the crypt he was tired but excited. He quickly climbed the ladder down to the inner cavern and gazed around. The bed crumpled and untouched since this morning. This place was a dump. If he was going to be staying in Sunnydale and have a boyfriend he'd better find something nicer than this. The scent of Xander still hung lightly in the air from last night, making his stomach twist with the need to see him. He stared at the curtain in the corner of his cavern within the crypt. He hadn't looked behind since before Joyce had died, but it had always been at the back of his mind. Never quite forgotten. He reached out and slowly drew the curtain back. He walked into the small room, barely more than an alcove. The pictures, the scent, the sheer volume of Buffy souvenirs hit him hard. He gazed at it all for a moment, then lightly touched a photo of her stuck to the wall. So much stuff . . .He'd spent so long here in the past, soaking in the only tangible things of her he would ever have, even when he hadn't looked at this stuff, he still hadn't moved on completely. He hadn't been ready. But he was now.
With a sudden nod he made a fist around the picture, crumpling it and threw it into the cardboard box he brought with him, everything, her pictures, her clothing still faintly scented with her perfume, that shampoo she always used, a stake she'd dropped, it all went in, he didn't pause to look at any of it.
He lit a match and held it to her sweater, it caught quickly and he dropped it into the box, the fire licked hungrily at the fuel and burned merrily before sputtering and just as quickly dying down.
The box was now just black ash and mulch.
Spike turned and climbed up the ladder. He didn't look back, as he walked towards Xander's place he felt more light-hearted than he had in longer than he could remember, he picked up the pace a little. He couldn't wait to see Xander.
Continued in the next part
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