Sweet Revenge
Part 15
The pealing of the phone in the magic shop made Xander jump, and he jerked his head up to listen to the one sided conversation as Giles answered it, wondering what Buffy was saying. A cold feeling began tapping lightly down his spine and nausea swirled in his stomach as he began to sweat icy beads of fear.
"Buffy did you find out anything?" Giles was saying concerned, and what the hell might Buffy be saying on the other end?
"You bet I did, I found Spike. Did you know Xander's been sleeping with him?"
"Oh dear, that's bad. When are you going to kill them?" /You, you, they're talking about you/ Xander's mind whispered and he knew it was paranoid, and he knew it was crazy, but he couldn't stop thinking it. /All going to hate me, turn me away/
"As soon as I can. It's a shame but he's obviously no good to us now. Pervert."
"Fine, well you do a couple of sweeps and I'll look into their living habits." Giles continued.
"Okay, oh and keep Willow away, she might make a fuss."
"Be careful."
Giles hung up and Xander leapt. "So did she find him what did he say, did she find him?"
Giles blinked slightly and Xander cursed himself. /Never, ever fluster Giles it takes him twice as long to get his words out./
"Yes she found him he says they sound like Skalor demons, they're killed by, um, being stabbed through the eye with something iron."
"Is that it?"
"What else do you want?" Giles asked bewildered.
"Nothing just um, you know." Xander trailed off, relief and confusion flooding through him and the tension eased up slightly from his body.
"Yes. Um, I'd better look them up just to be sure. Buffy's patrolling tonight and tomorrow morning we'll find the nest and kill them."
"We can start looking for spells to try and locate them." Tara suggested to Willow who nodded thoughtfully.
"And I'll . . ." Xander trailed off looking around him somewhat helplessly, "do nothing."
"Oh you can help me look them up" Giles said cheerfully. "Now we know what we're looking for it should be much easier, we can research weak spots, nesting grounds, possible dangers Buffy is unaware of . . ." he was already halfway into the bookcase passing huge volumes out to Xander.
***
Outside the shop in the darkness of an alley Spike watched as Xander, surrounded by books listened to Giles burble on about something that could probably be condensed into about two sentences.
/See there he is, all nice and safe. Not setting himself on fire, not that I care or anything/
Right he'd seen the lad. He was gonna go, time was awasting, the Slayer could come back at any minute and he was going to miss his chance to get in a kill before sun up. He was going. Right after this smoke.
The lad looked fine but the set to his shoulders was so tense it had to hurt and Spike thought he could hazard a guess as to why. /Worried I was gonna spill the beans to the Slayer were we? Not likely. Or at least not yet. Got a few more plans in mind for you, think it's nearly finished? We've hardly begun./
Hmm what else could he do to Xander? There was the old 'keep him on his toes in front of his friends' technique, making comments that Xander would be reading hidden meanings into, hints and innuendo to get the lad jumpy, on edge, even more so than now, be a bastard to him one minute and sweet to him the next, keeping him anxious, eager to please. Cut him down and keep on cutting him until everything about him was ground into the dirt beneath Spike's boots. Angelus had employed this technique with victims with considerable success. And maybe he could take pictures of Xander, sleeping, sated, reeking of Spike's scent, filled with his come and use them to torture Xander with. Threaten to show them to the goody gang. Maybe even, when all this was finished he'd send one to Angel with a post it note on it saying. ' Guess who got there first.' Kill two birds with one stone, twist the knife into both of them. Angel would hate that, Angelus would have loved to take the boy, break him down, and that kind of feeling didn't just vanish, soul or no soul, but that was just tough for Angel because he'd won.
Him. Spike. He'd gotten there first. He was Xander's first.
Xander's first. Something kind of balled inside him at that thought, the aching feeling he'd been carrying around in his chest ever since he'd last seen Xander intensified. He was Xander's first. *He* was the one Xander had wanted enough to overcome any doubts or denial.
And he was going to use it against him just to hurt Buffy. He was going to destroy that lad just because his bitchy friend hadn't wanted to be with him.
/Is it really worth it?/
The rogue thought skimmed through his mind and was gone before he could stop it. If he could catch that thought he'd beat it to death with his bare hands. Of course it was worth it.
Of course it was.
He waited for the familiar painful burning anger to flood through him as he remembered Buffy and her undisguised loathing of him.
Waiting for the familiar painful burning anger.
Any familiar painful burning anger out there, this is where you're supposed to be.
Ah there it was. For a second there he was worried, if he didn't have that anger pushing him on . . .
Spike took a deep drag on his smoke and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. This was meant to feel great! And he felt like crap. Now he knew why he'd never bothered with mind games before, just ripping the heads off people didn't lead to these awful feelings. This *angst*. He cursed softly to himself, he hated this, this sick disgust directed at himself, and he knew he was a long way from the vampire that had lightheartedly set out to seduce Xander that night in the Bronze, but he was damned if he could figure out a way to get back there.
He tossed his smoke away and absently lit up another. He frowned as he watched Xander. There was something different about him, what was it? He knew the answer almost at once.
Xander wasn't smiling.
Oh.
Well good.
All that relentless keeping-the-spirits-up moral boosting that Xander performed could be very tiring. He let his eyes flick around the others. Willow and Tara deep in discussion their faces serious and pale, Giles feverishly flicking pages over, Dawn blearily blinking, a frown on her young face, and it was all because Xander was in the corner, slightly turned away from them, drawn and worried. Not bouncing around the room, lightening the burden, getting them to find the fun instead of being overwhelmed by the fear.
Well fine. Nice to know the plan was working so successfully. Getting to all of them. He stared at Xander, all that tension just because the dark haired lad in the corner was lost in his own world. A world Spike had put him in. He shook his head angrily, what the hell was *wrong* with him tonight? That dream must have really gotten to him. Maybe he should call Dru to find out what it meant, but then again maybe not. Dru had very little interest in anyones dreams except her own. Besides the last thing he needed was to put Xander back in her mind. The thought of Dru rampaging through Sunnydale to get her 'dark kitten' was not a happy one. Besides Xander was *his*. Dru couldn't have him.
He watched as Xander's brow furrowed as he gazed down at the book he held, and felt a smile tug at his lips. It was so cute when he did that. He looked good tonight, a tight blue sweater and dark jeans. He took a step towards the window before he caught himself. Dru had been right. Xander was beautiful, why had he never noticed before? Timing he supposed, he'd always had bigger things to worry about like Dru and . . .Dru and the Judge and Angelus, the Slayer and the end of the world, then the bloody chip shoved into him. But he was noticing now.
Spike felt a sudden cold feeling trickling down his spine. /Careful. Don't let your guard down. Don't let him get to you./
Inside the shop Xander stretched and shrugged on his coat, saying his goodbyes he opened the door.
Spike sank back into the darkness of the ally until all that could be seen of him was the red glow at the tip of his cigarette.
"Don't forget the party tomorrow" Willow called out as Xander left.
"I won't!"
"Nine thirty, Lowell House okay?"
"Got it!"
Xander got into his car and drove away, and Spike looked after him. Angelus had told him this was the best part to playing games, the satisfaction of the plan in motion coupled with the anticipation of what was to come. Not for him though, he didn't have any anticipation and the satisfaction was running out from his fingers. He came to a sudden decision, no more waiting. He was going to step this up straight away. Tomorrow he would put the rest of the plan in motion and get it over with. . .he just wanted it done. A party, the perfect place to torment him. By this time tomorrow Xander would be wishing he was dead. He ground the butt out under his heel and slowly walked away.
***
Later, in the magic shop after Buffy had come back to report on her night Willow opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it. Closed it. She took a deep breath. "Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"Have you noticed anything . . .different about Xander?"
"How?" Buffy rubbed her eyes in an attempt to get them to stay open just a little longer and slowly brought Willow into focus. It had been a tough patrol and the morning was only going to be tougher with the slayage of the Skalor demons to look forward to and she really, really wanted to be in bed.
"Well he was, he's been . . ."
"A lot quieter" Buffy finished on a yawn. "Yeah now you mention it I had noticed, it's just things have been so crazed lately, you know mom being ill" she glanced at where Tara was showing Dawn a glow spell and lowered her voice " and Glory and Dawn . . "
Willow nodded.
"I know you've got a lot on your mind, but I'm really worried about him, he never makes stupid jokes anymore, or laughs or makes eye contact . . .and he bailed early tonight, before you even got back, he didn't even wait to find out hat had happened. When was the last time Xander ever bailed early?"
"Well . . .never." Buffy shook her head a little to try to disperse the fog.
"Well don't you think it's more likely that he's upset about Anya?" Giles asked concerned. Come to think of it he had noticed Xander was looking slightly droopy lately.
"I guess . . ." Willow bit her lip then continued. " It's just . . .well it's probably nothing but . . .I saw Spike go into Xander's apartment the other day, and well he was inside, so Xander must have invited him in."
Buffy sat up quickly and exchanged a worried look with Giles.
"Spike?"
"Yeah - I looked through the window and, well, it looked kind of intense."
"Intense how?" Giles questioned leaning in closer.
"Well they were yelling at each other so the same as always but then Xander turned away from Spike, and I could see their faces and . . ."
"And?" Buffy prompted.
Willow remembered back, to the look she'd seen, a kind of sad, hopeless want on Xander's and Spike's a kind of a pleased, hungry . . .
"God!" She examined suddenly, "I just wish I'd looked in a little bit longer but it was getting late and I wasn't really taking it in, and it's only when I started thinking about it . . ."
"It's okay Will" Buffy soothed her. "What did you see?"
Willow regarded Buffy's concerned blue-green eyes for a moment, then came to a decision not to mention the half formed suspicion that was hovering in the depths of her mind, Buffy really did have enough to worry about without her spouting theories based on one look that she hadn't even really been paying attention to, but hell she wished she'd stayed at that window a little longer.
"Xander looked upset" She finally said. "Like really. And Spike looked kind of pleased about it."
Buffy's eyes narrowed. "So you think Spike is doing something to Xander? Something to hurt him?"
"Yeah." Willow said thoughtfully. "That's exactly what I think."
"How long has this been going on with Xander?" Buffy asked thoughtfully.
"Um, I don't know, maybe three weeks or so?"
Buffy looked at Giles who gave her a slight nod.
"It's possible" she said slowly "that Spike is trying to upset Xander to . . .I don't know, hurt me in some way."
"Hurt you?" Willow's brow creased in confusion. "Why go through Xander to hurt you?"
Buffy shrugged, "Well he can't do it directly he knows I don't pay attention to anything he says and he can't kill me, the perfect way." Her eyes flashed with anger, "hurt one of my friends behind my back then leave me to pick up the pieces, he knows you guys are my life and I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to one of you."
"But why hurt you, I mean yeah, evil, but he's been better." She trailed off at the look Buffy and Giles exchanged, "hasn't he been better?"
Buffy sighed "There was kind of a reason for that."
"What?"
"Well about three and a half weeks ago Spike and I had a um, talk and he urm. . ." she shuddered and carried on "kindoftoldmehewasinlovewithme."
"IN LOVE WITH YOU?!" Willow yelled, aghast.
Tara and Dawn looked up in surprise. "She's told you about the Spike thing?" Dawn asked, she smiled slightly smugly. "I knew about that first."
"Yeah, um Tara?" Willow waved a hand at her girlfriend who nodded in understanding and drew Dawn back into the spell, shooting a look of curiosity over at the group.
"Spike said he was in love with you?" she whispered furiously at Buffy "Why didn't you tell us?"
Buffy shrugged, "I didn't want to talk about it, I told mom and Giles and Dawn already guessed, and I wasn't up for any more discussion. Besides I didn't think he do anything to you guys."
"But Buffy these things can get really . . ." She trailed off, remembering the state Spike had been in when Dru had left him. "And well, Spike, I don't see him taking rejection well." Bits of information were flying together in her brain and she suddenly felt cold. Desperately concerned about Xander, paying for something Buffy had done, wandering around in a haunted house after dark and all the ghosts had Spikes' face. "Maybe Spike is . . ."
"Pissed off with me and trying to get his own back through Xander?" Buffy finished for her. "What a prince" she said in disgust.
"I'd better just remind you two we don't have any proof of any of this" Giles said.
"I know you're right but . . ."
"Yes nonetheless some action does seem required. What do you think Spike is doing to Xander? Should we ask him?"
"No!" Willow yelled. Buffy and Giles jumped slightly. "Well whatever it is that Spike's doing Xander obviously doesn't want to talk about it, I don't think forcing it would help."
"She's right" agreed Buffy. "We'll just keep an eye on him, not let Spike near him. I mean like Giles said, we've got no proof we should just let him know we're here, let him come to us." A thought occurred, "and we're probably just being paranoid, I mean what could Spike do that would upset Xander so much?"
"Um . . .maybe Spike made Xander do something ah, risky, and is holding it over him." Giles suggested.
"It's hardly likely though, I mean Xander is pretty well balanced." Buffy pointed out.
"So was I, but Ethan came along. So were you, but Faith came along" Giles said gently. "Being, well foolish or wild can seem fun in the moment, and we all know Spike can be convincing."
"Yeah" Buffy half whispered, remembering her wild time with Faith. Something they had both paid a high price for later on. Too high. Giles placed his hand over hers briefly and she gave him a wan smile.
"Anyway" she said briskly, there was no time to mourn the past. There was never any time to mourn the past, "Is Xander coming to the party tomorrow?"
"Yeah."
"Well we can keep an eye on him there."
Buffy yawned and stood up wearily. "Dawn, come on, Giles' will give us a ride home."
She paused and put her hand on Willows shoulder. "Don't worry, if Spike is up to something we'll find out and we'll stop it."
"Yeah." Willow smiled weakly up at her.
She didn't mention the worry that it might already be too late.
Some dialogue taken from BtVS 'I was made to love you'
Xander peered though the haze. Another college party filled with people he didn't know. On the plus side the place looked great, though they'd really gone mad with the Hawaiian theme. He dropped his wreath of flowers over the head of a girl looking very much the worse for wear. She obviously had the right idea. He wandered over to the punch bowl and helped himself to a glassful. Although he hadn't wanted to come tonight it really wasn't so bad. Mostly thanks to the large amounts of alcohol he was taking in.
"Hey!" Buffy bounced over to him, "you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Come and dance with me."
"Um, Buff I don't . . ."
"Oh come on you can't say no." She smiled at him, and for a second he was reminded of why he'd fallen so completely in love with her back in high school, before Angelus and Faith and Glory and just too many tough choices had sealed the impatient and somewhat glitzy, hardened image she was putting out these days. It was a flash to the girl she had been, still was at her core. Sensitive. Kind. Impossible to refuse. He let himself be dragged onto the dance floor and took her in his arms. It felt . . .pretty good. Nice to be holding someone. He hadn't realised how much he missed it.
/Spike never holds me/ He shoved that thought to the very back of his mind. He didn't want to think about Spike tonight.
"So you having a load of fun?" he asked.
"You know I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good looking guy."
"Be still my heart."
They danced in silence for a few seconds then Buffy said awkwardly. "Xander are you . . .is everything ok? I mean with, well everything, cause you know you can talk to me. If anything or um, any*one* has upset you."
He blamed the alcohol and nostalgia for the lump that rose in his throat and swallowed it down determinedly. "I'm fine Buff!"He said in as cheery a tone as he could manage. " The only problem I'm having is wondering how badly you'd kick my ass if I tread on your feet."
"You already have " she grinned. "Seriously though. If you ever need, well, anything . . ."
"I hear you. And thanks, but I'm fine." He tried for a smile and felt like it missed but Buffy looked convinced.
"Good. So have seen any hotties yet?"
"I appear to be dancing with one" he teased.
She smiled. "Why thank you kind sir, but I mean girls to enter date territory with."
"I don't think I'm ready to enter date territory Buff. I think date territory is going to be an unmarked, unmapped place for some time to come."
"Oh Xander, just try it! I guarantee " she grinned "it'll make you feel much better!"
***
After the dance Xander weaved his way unsteadily through the crowd back to the punch bowl. He wasn't much of a drinker, his parents had knocked any interest he might have felt in booze right out of him, but tonight was a night to push rules out the window and it was making everything pleasantly woozy, and that was pretty damn appealing right now. It felt like he'd been caught like this forever, every minute of the day he was worrying about Spike, wondering what the hell was going on with him and he couldn't take anymore. He just wanted to stop *thinking* about it just for a night. He was sick of feeling like this, miserable and scared. Cut off from friends. Sick of being used and forgotten about, pining for Spike like he was a drug in between hating him. For one night it would be so good to let it go, to forget, to lose himself, to just get *away* from the hell that was his life. He couldn't stand feeling like this another minute.
"Xander?"
He turned to face a girl who despite appearing in triplicate looked vaguely familiar, pretty with gorgeous reddy gold hair.
For a moment he frowned trying to place her.
"Xander it is you right?"
"Yep it's me alright" Xander agreed, would it be rude to ask who she was?
"It's Julie" She supplied seeing his difficulty, "I guess you don't remember me. We met at the frat party last year? You know the uh, incredibly scary one?"
"Sure I remember" it was coming back to him now. This was the girl he'd been trying to impress after having a fight with Anya. He remembered the party more clearly than her, but then it was hard to forget a party that had released poltergeists thanks to Buffy and Riley screwing the night away.
He smiled at her a little dizzily, glad to see she didn't seem to have any lasting scars about thinking she was wicked and unclean. Not if the somewhat flimsy top and clinging pants she was wearing were anything to go by. The alcohol and the haze might be playing tricks on him, but he thought she was standing a little closer than she really needed to be, and that was fine, it was kind of nice, reminding him of taking Buffy in his arms on the dance floor and the scent of her perfume brought back dozens of memories of Anya and nights when she lay next to him.
"So how have you been?" he asked, feeling proud he wasn't slurring his words at all.
"Oh okay, you know" She gave him a wry smile. "My hair grew back."
"Right." The key to not giving away you were drunk was to not say too much.
"They think someone spiked the punch at that party."
"Ah." He considered telling her the truth but decided against it, the people of Sunnydale had brought denial to an art form. Why spoil it. Besides then she might go away and he liked having her here, she sure was pretty to look at.
"Anyway I'm sorry about freaking out on you that night."
"Hey no problem, really, I'm used to people running away at great speed."
She laughed and did that thing that girls do, that thing were they look up at you from under their lashes and it makes you feel like you're the only damn guy in the room, and a warmth, not entirely due to the alcohol spread out in his stomach, and maybe Buffy was right about girls and date territory.
"I never got the chance to thank you, for trying to help me."
"Oh, I um, you're welcome" he stammered. /Great where's my fast moving mouth when I need it?/ "So are you having fun?"
She did that eyelash thing again as she smiled at him. "It's getting better."
Xander let his eyes flick over her slowly, a way he'd never have dared do when he was sober in case he got his face slapped, but she didn't seem to want to slap him. "Do you feel brave enough to chance some punch tonight?"
She smiled. "Only if you have some with me."
He took the glass she handed him and looked at her for a moment. Maybe this wasn't the best idea, but the haze was comfortable and the girl was smiling and screw it. He was tired of being miserable.
***
Slipping into the party Spike prowled around, keeping his eyes open for the Scoobies. The noise of the party and the scent of all the perfume and aftershave made it hard for him to instinctively home in on whoever he was looking for, he was looking so hard into the haze that he damn near mowed the Slayer down.
Looking exceptionally lovely tonight. And exceptionally pissed off. Obviously expecting him to take the shine off her night. And who was he to fly in the face of tradition?
"Small world" he mused mockingly. He wouldn't have thought it humanly possible but her glare intensified.
"Oh dear, If looks could stake. Having fun pet? " He grinned, he knew she hated it when he called her that. He glanced after the guy she'd obviously been trying to pull, Ben something he thought. From what he could tell a pretty average guy all round /thought she'd have learnt her lesson with soldier boy./ "Trolling for your next ex? Gotta say, you can do better." /Like a Scum demon. And he'd be the looker/ He bit his lip to keep from laughing.
"I told you I . . ."
"Thought I was gonna leave town. It's a free country, Free party." /And if you think I'm gonna leave when life is so full you've got another think coming Slayer, Xander's to shag, pictures to take, busy, busy, busy/
"If you want me to leave" he upped his leer so a blind nun would have had no difficulty in understanding him "you can put your hands on my hot tight little body and make me."
"Get away from me."
Hatred dripping from every word. And he forgotten how much fun it was to piss her off to the point where she was practically spitting venom. He drew breath for his next insult when just over her shoulder he caught a glimpse dim and fleeting of Xander. Losing interest instantly in exchanging insults he nodded absently to the Slayer and backed away, trying to get a better view and my, my he was looking good enough to eat tonight in some pretty subdued clothes for a change. Maybe tonight would be the night to fuck that hot beautiful mouth of his. The excitement began to radiate through him as he squinted through the haze, no wonder he'd nearly missed him all tucked away in the corner talking . . .to . . .that . .girl.
His eyes widened and the rest of the party faded to grey, a roaring sound in his ears as he stared in disbelief at Xander and the girl.
A girl. Xander and a girl looking all kinds of cozy, a pretty little thing too, all reddy gold curls and a big smile. Jealousy rose like bile in his throat as he took in the sight of Xander nodding along to whatever the girl was saying, then obviously made a quip of some sort because the girl burst out laughing and touched him on the arm. And left her hand there.
Xander leaned in closer to the girl and for one awful endless moment Spike thought he was going to kiss her. Instead he stroked a curl, letting it run through his fingers his face amused and admiring as he pulled out a tiny petal that had obviously been caught there. The girl went up on her tip toes and pulled Xander to her so she could whisper something in his ear, and they both laughed again.
A growl ripped through Spike and he looked away, because he couldn't bear to see anymore, then looked back because he just couldn't stand not to see, not to know. And Xander's hand was on her shoulder moving down her arm. Up again, and maybe the Slayer was even now sticking pins into a voodoo doll of him, because *something* had to be causing this awful painful burn in his chest. He watched with mounting horror as Xander slowly and seductively stroked her skin and the girl stepped even closer to him, so they were scant inches away and she let her finger trace down his face. /Mine. Stop that *I'm* the one that gets to touch him! Get away from him bitch, he's *mine*!/ That was one lucky little girl there was a chip in his head otherwise that pretty little head with all it's curls would be ripped off for him to play football with and /easy, easy, don't vamp out, not here, not now/ but that roaring in his ears is getting louder and his fists were clenching tighter and /I'm a reasonable sort of vamp but there's gonna be blood and screams if he doesn't get the hell away from her/
/Come on Xander smile and leave, smile and leave, in fact don't even bother with the smile just leave please, okay? Just . . .please/ Which went to show what a waste praying was as the girl reached up to run her fingers through Xander's hair and he pushed against her hand like a cat, he was rocking a little on his, feet, obviously had a few to drink, but the girl didn't seem to mind as she slid an arm around his waist supposedly to support him.
"Spike what are you doing here?"
Spike jumped and saw Red in front of him - he hadn't even seen her approach.
"Just keeping my eyes on things Red" he spat through clenched teeth.
"If you're going to cause trouble . . ."
"I'm not causing bloody trouble" /But I soon will be if you don't get out of my face and let me see what the hell is going on over there./
She turned to follow his eyeline and saw him watching Xander talking to Julie. She glanced up at Spike and said casually. "Xander's been talking to her for an hour, they really seem to have hit it off."
"Is that right?" Spike spat as his eyes flashed yellow. /Knew I should have got here earlier, oh fuck, shit, shit shit, don't do what I think you're going to do . . ./
They watched, Spike in horror and Willow in interest as Julie took Xander's hand and led him out of the party.
"Make that definitely hit it off." Willow summed up.
"Have you seen Warren?"
"What? Who?" Willow turned to answer the peachy, pretty girl who was talking to her and he took the opportunity to slip past. Xander and the girl had gone. /Relax, relax, part of the goody gang remember? Not a casual pick up kind of guy./ Except someone had obviously forgotten to tell Xander that as he darted outside just in time to see Xander getting into a car with her. For a second he stood frozen as they roared away, then he shook himself out of his shock and began to run after them, but stopped before he'd even reached the end of the street. There was no way he could catch them.
"Fuck!" He gasped, his voice coming out strangely broken and almost tearful. "Shit." He lit up a smoke with trembling fingers. Inhaling with ragged breaths. So Xander had picked up a girl. Fine. So what. It was too late to stop Spike doing whatever he wanted now, he could still destroy Xander. Let him have a night off. He didn't care.
The fucking cigarette had gone out, he tried to relight it, then realised it hadn't gone out, it just wasn't calming him the way it should. He threw it on the floor, he didn't need it, he didn't care. Xander was just an unexpectedly useful pawn to checkmate the Slayer. That was all. So if Xander was just a pawn why did the sight of him with that girl, the thought of what they were probably doing right now hurt so much?
Spike was damned if he knew why.
He just knew it did.
Xander sank woozily onto the couch. The room was spinning but it felt nice, if a little weird. Everything about tonight had been nice if a little weird, but hey he didn't have a problem with that. Escaping from his life that was what it was all about and he thought he was doing pretty well. /See Spike you bastard. I don't need you/
He wondered if Julie would be mad if he closed his eyes for a second and decided she would. She'd been so keen on bringing him back for a drink the least he could do was stay awake. "Hey" She said amused as she sat next to him handing him a glass of something cool and fruity tasting. "Not flaking out on me are you?"
"Nuh uh. Not me."
"Good." She gazed at him for a moment. "Because I've been wanting to do this for a while now."
And it was like floating out of his body, watching from a distance as she leaned in to him her eyes drifting closed as she brushed her mouth lightly over his, letting the faintest hint of her tongue trace along his mouth askingly, and suddenly sleepy was the last thing he was feeling. Carefully, without breaking the kiss he set his glass down, and let his arms slide around her, pulling her closer to him, and hell she felt good. Smelt good. Tasted good. And slow and distant suddenly wasn't good enough anymore as her hot tongue traced a path of fire into his mouth, arousal zinging throughout his body, pooling in his groin and yeah his mind might be befuddled but his body seems to know what it's doing so he'll just let it take over from here on as his mouth was exploring hers, tongues sliding against each others and the room was still spinning and her lips were feather soft, sucking on his bottom lip and he had a lapful of a beautiful girl and it was all good. The need to be close to her, to feel her against him was overpowering. Pushing her back until she was lying on the couch, lowering himself on top of her and he'd almost forgotten what a girl felt like. Sweet and soft and curving. Fitting against his body perfectly as she hooked her leg over his and ground her body closer into him. Moaning into her mouth he slid his hands under her top and she lifted her arms letting him pull it off, her skin was smooth and so *hot*.
/Wonder if this is what Spike feels with me/
He frowned, almost shook his head to dislodge that thought that had flown into his head out of nowhere. His hands traced her breasts through her bra and she arched up into him as he trailed kisses down her neck. Breath coming faster now and almost unnoticed they'd slid into a rhythm, bodies thrusting against each other his hardness rocking into her, only the barrier of clothing preventing him from sliding inside, and this, oh this, it was so good, so familiar, no pain or confusion just bodies and sweet scent and heat.
And thoughts.
Stupid, betraying thoughts. Kept buzzing through his head. Irritating little flies that won't leave him alone.
/This isn't right/ He opened his eyes and looked into hers. Serious and wide. A gorgeous greeny colour. Not like Spike's, a pure blue.
/Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is/ He trailed his hand down her thigh and squeezed his eyes closed, her hands were sliding under his shirt to gently scratch down his back.
/Too hot/
He shuddered and dropped his head, kissing across her breasts, but memories of a cool silky chest washed over him. She was arching up into his mouth making small moans and gasps and all he wanted was to crawl in from out of the cold, to a place where there was no more Spike, except Spike was here, because he couldn't stop *thinking* about him! /No, no, no. Damn you, you bastard just get out of my head!/
He kissed her again, hard, almost angrily, trying to get Spike out of his mind, trying to lose his thoughts in her warm mouth and the taste of mint on her breath, but he was remembering kisses that were cool, tasting of smoke, kisses that felt like they were swallowing him up, kisses that were the best he'd ever had.
Sliding his hand between her legs, rubbing through the material. She moaned into his mouth and let her hand begin squeezing him through his jeans, and it was like trying to swim in water that was just too shallow, and sleeping with the light on and feeling one person against you and wishing it was someone else, and he wanted to scream with frustration.
/No, this isn't fair I won't let him do this to me!/ He was going to forget about Spike if it killed him. Unzipping her pants clumsily and letting his hand slide under her panties. Finding the spot, the place that had her bucking under his hand, and cutting off her moan by sealing his mouth over hers. Letting his fingers slide into her, heat and tightness surrounding his fingers as his thumb circled right there.
And she was bucking desperately under his fingers, her hands clenched on his shoulders, her gasps vibrating into his mouth.
"Xander" she moaned into his mouth.
"Xander" Spike had moaned against his neck.
How can his name sound so different coming from two different people? Hands, his and hers roaming frantically over each others bodies and he hears the sound of his zip a split second before she took him in her hand and he's hard and aching, but he doesn't know who for and he's missing the feel of cool skin and that wicked mouth, but he can't really stop now . . . "Julie" he groaned, not even sure now what he was trying to say. Stop? More? And her hand was moving, stroking and yes it felt good. Everything felt good.
It just didn't feel right.
Gasps and bucks and the light is bright against his closed eyes and everything feels so weird he's too close yet somehow too distant and it's too intimate for strangers so he really should stop this but the drink is ruining any control and she stiffened with a cry as he touched that place again, her hand compulsively tightening on him is enough to make him follow. And gradually, panting a little he opened his eyes to look at her.
Julie all dishevelled and flushed, partly crumpled against the back of the couch, partly underneath him smiled at him shyly and he had to bite his lip and look away because she was so pretty and her eyes weren't blue.
Continued in the next part
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