Sweet Revenge
Part 20
Some dialogue taken from BtVS 'I was made to love you'
Staring out of the window until he heard the click of the door behind him that meant Willow had gone. He still didn't move. Somehow it felt wrong that the morning sunlight should be so bright, it should be midnight and raining. But what did it matter? Nothing mattered. Just breathing in and out, and he's wondering why he's not feeling anything but numb. Anger he could understand, maybe even tears but not this, not this kind of numb disbelief. Life goes on people said, no matter how bad things got, so maybe that was it. Breathing in and out and staring out of the window and that was life going on wasn't it? Never mind messy things like Spike having a crush on Buffy because the leaves were still blowing in the breeze and he was still breathing in and out and life was going on and the pain slowly building up inside him was going to pass real soon.
So now he knew. Spike couldn't have Buffy so he had Xander. He wasn't even second best, he was just *there*. That was why Spike treated him so badly. Because he could. Like Harmony, Spike had done exactly the same with her and if whoever he was shagging decided they didn't like the way Spike treated them then hey, that was no skin off Spike's pale nose because someone else would come along and one shag was pretty much like the next because they were nothing compared to Buffy and if someone he was shagging, /yes you're just shagging them aren't you Spike,/ well if someone he was *shagging* began to have *feelings* for him then that was just more fun for Spike.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He'd always known there was another reason behind it. He'd just never in a million years thought it could possibly be because Spike had fallen for Buffy. Spike and Buffy. And if it was all wrong he couldn't say so because he can't really speak or think past that pain that doesn't seem to be passing. Just steadily welling up and instead of fading it's getting worse.
He really didn't know why he was even so upset. It was just sex. Spike was twisted and mean and treated him like crap. So he shouldn't be so upset.
Anyway of course Spike wanted Buffy. Get over the vampire/slayer bump which Spike obviously had and she was incredible. Brave and beautiful and smart. One of a kind. Of course Spike had fallen for her. Who wouldn't? Looking at his reflection in the glass, and it was no good. Stark and pale and plain. Not like Buffy, all glowing and golden and perfect. Why would Spike want him when someone like her was around? The sex that was so incredible to him probably was nothing to Spike, less than nothing. Spike probably found it funny to watch him try to struggle against it while he could take it or leave it. It was probably entertaining for Spike to just come and blast apart his whole life.
Like it was coming from a long way away he could hear the phone ringing. He didn't pick it up, and they didn't leave a message. Breathing wasn't really coming now, it was more like gasping. And the leaves weren't there anymore. There were just a blur of green. His reflection blurred and vanished. Good, best it go away, best it all went away. And sure life was going on. Sure it was. Just not for him right now but in an elsewhere place he couldn't quite get to. A place for people who hadn't discovered the chipped vampire that they were for some reason sleeping with had a crush on their best friend who was also a vampire slayer, and for some reason the fact that Buffy could turn Spike down made him feel worse than anything. She could do it and he couldn't because he was stupid and weak and for some reason, God only knew why was totally crazy about Spike.
Sometime later, could have been minutes, could have been hours the phone rang and he let the answerphone pick up again. He could hear Giles asking him to go over to the magic shop to help with some research when he got the message, but he still didn't move. Life could go on without him for a little longer.
***
Spike rolled over again. Kicked off the sheets. Pulled them back up. Threw them off. Rolled onto his back.
"Oh fuck this!"
He hadn't slept a wink, too wound up to settle. /Alright, alright I need to *think* nice and calm like/ But he couldn't, his thoughts weren't making any sense, kept wandering round in circles, thinking about Xander and the sharp tearing pain of jealousy he'd felt, his hurt as Xander had pushed him away last night, his casual acceptance of the Slayers insults . . . .Thoughts like little ants crawling over his skin and they were Driving. Him. CRAZY.
He felt a panicky fluttering sensation deep in his stomach and rubbed his damp hands on the sheet. /Okay this can be fixed, no need to get all worked up, I've just gotta start loving the Slayer again then it'll all be back to normal/
He closed his eyes and pictured her as he last saw her, at the party chatting up that Ben guy. He tried to fan the jealous feeling he knew he should be having. Nothing. It just wouldn't come.
Against his will he remembered Xander, touching that bitch, the scent of her clinging all over him and the searing hurt felt like an invisible hand was squeezing his heart.
/What the fuck is going on?/ he thought frantically. If he could just get inside his own stupid head he'd arrange things back the way they were, the way they ought to be. But they weren't that way anymore, and when love was gone, it was gone. It couldn't be forced back.
He didn't love her anymore, maybe never had. Maybe she'd been right. It was an obsession, maybe even escapism, hell he didn't know. Not that he didn't believe he hadn't had those feelings for her, they'd been there and they'd been powerful. Just not lasting.
Given enough time and the feelings had simply faded. As crushes do.
And now, domino effect one realisation followed another. What he'd been trying to hide from himself almost from the start. /It's not just time is it? It's him. The sight of him makes me catch me breath even when I don't need to breathe, I move inside him an' I feel like I'm drowning in him, and I see him with someone else an' it's like a knife in my heart and he *hates* me and I can't blame him, I've been such a git to him and oh shit, shit I can't do it. I don't know what I'm gonna do but I can't use him anymore he's beat me/
In a sudden rage he shot out of bed, picked up the radio he'd stolen from Xander about a million light years ago and threw it against the wall.
"You hear that you bastard?" He roared "You've won! Alright? You've won! Beat me to my bloody knees"
He angrily rubbed at his eyes, stupid tears. He never cried. Tears were for girls. So now what? His grand plan in tatters around him everything he thought he knew blasted apart and the only thing left he was sure of was that he couldn't hurt Xander. So that meant staying away from him. And that hurt more than anything. But it was just what he deserved.
He grabbed the mobile he'd frightened some hapless passerby into giving him, only days ago and dialled Xander's number. But there was no answer, eventually the answerphone picked up and he hung up feeling sick. He had to do something. He had to see him now. Had to try and put this right before he lost his courage. He shot to the door, then recoiled back as the bright sunlight hit him.
***
"Any answer?" Willow asked anxiously as she came into the back room to see Giles put the phone down from calling Xander.
"No. I left a message. Why is he alright?"
"I don't know. I went over there this morning and told him about Spike liking Buffy. He was pretty wigged."
"But that would have happened anyway, yes? What did he say?"
"Nothing."
"Ah." Willow and Giles regarded each other for a moment. Willow didn't want to lie to Giles but it wouldn't exactly help Xander to have the whole gang knowing what he and Spike had been doing. She just hoped Giles wouldn't ask anything that would make her have to lie to him.
"Do you think now he knows he'll be more inclined to talk about whatever it is Spike may be holding over him?" Giles asked, polishing his glasses furiously.
"No. But he had to know."
"Yes. You did the right thing. Have you seen Spike lately?" Giles asked as they walked back into the shop where Tara and Dawn were talking. Buffy was out, looking for a robot of all things.
"He turned up at the party last night." Willow said catching Tara's eye. Tara gave her a supportive smile.
"Hmm I don't like that." Giles said. "Did he speak to Xander?"
"No - but he was speaking to Buffy. Which is worse?"
"Well personally until we find out what he's up to I'd rather not have him by any of you."
"Do you really think Spike's doing something to Xander?" Dawn asked unhappily.
Willow and Tara exchanged a look. "It's probably nothing" Willow said comfortingly. And untruthfully.
"I don't want Spike to hurt him" Dawn said a little pathetically. Caught between being an adult and being a kid she just wanted to make all the bad stuff go away. Willow could relate wholeheartedly.
"None of us do." Willow soothed her.
"We still don't know for sure that Spike is doing *anything*" Giles interupted.
Willow stared steadfastly at the floor. She could feel Giles's eyes boring into her. Tara took her hand and she gave it a grateful squeeze.
"Spike's not really running to hang out with us on a regular basis, we shouldn't see him for a while." Tara said trying to distract them.
It might have helped if Spike hadn't chosen that precise moment to burst into the shop, his blanket almost in flames around him. He threw it off and stamped the fire out, ignoring daggers he could feel being glared at him from four sets of eyes.
"Well" He said at last as the fire smouldered away. "Hello all. Whats going on then?"
Trying to act all icy cool, but the sunlight was still sending prickles down his overheated skin and the light was hurting his eyes. He looked around but he already knew Xander wasn't here. Thankfully nor was the Slayer. He couldn't have coped with her threats right now.
"Spike you're not welcome here" Giles said in a voice of ice.
"Yeah and by the way we're working on a way to deinvite you from here even if it is a public place." Willow glared at him, it was taking eveything in her not to just kick him in the sun without his damn blanket. Right now she couldn't think of a better sight than watching Spike burst into flames and she knew it wouldn't help but she just kept seeing Xander's face in front of her. Looking like Xander never should look. Unhappy, ashamed and hurt and Spike had done it.
Unknowing she dug her nails into Tara's hand. Tara didn't even flinch.
Reds eyes where boring into him like nails and weren't the rest of them even less pleased than usual to see him? What was going on? He tried to hide his discomfiture."Hey! Someones glad to see me aren't you little bit?"
"Stay away from me." Dawn spat.
"I think you'd better go." Tare said strongly with a minimum of stutter, still about as threatening as an hour old kitten.
"Okay, look I don't want to be here with you losers either, and speaking of losers wheres the biggest loser of 'em all? Where's the donut boy?"
"Xander is not your concern Spike" Giles said calmly, removing his glasses.
"Look I just want . . ."
The rest of the sentance was lost in a gasp of surprise as Spike found himself shoved up against the wall with a very angry ex watcher leaning into his face in an awful paradoy of intimacy. Giles's eyes were suddenly the colour of steel and twice as cold.
"Listen to me." Giles's said his voice taut with the effort of remaining under control "I don't know what you've done to that boy. I don't want to know but it stops now. Xander has been told about your fixation on Buffy. He is not your way to hurt Buffy. There is no way to Buffy. Stay away from both of them. Clear out of here, and Spike, listen to me. Get over it."
"I don't know what you mean." Spike said coldly. His mind stuck on one loop. /Xander knows, Xander knows oh shit no/
"Yes you do. Move the hell on."
Spike didn't frighten easily. You didn't face down two Slayers not to mention over a hundred years with Angelus if you frightened easily. There was a steel thread running through him that kept him standing when other vampires would have long since been dust. Even with the chip where sometimes he felt so trapped and panicked that this damn thing was never going to come out, he'd be stuck with it for ever and ever, even then he managed to stay in control. But looking into Giles's eyes and what he saw there was ruthless. Merciless. /Family ties/ he thought dizzily and even Angelus would have backed away from the look Giles had in his eyes. And Spike was chipped. Sliding out from Giles's grip he grabbed his blanket without another word and slid out of the door, pausing for a second in the shade before making the run for a nearby sewer entrance.
He heard the shop door open behind him. "It was you wasn't it?" He said without turning around.
"You told him"
"That's right" said Willow coldly.
He turned and could this possibly be sweet, kind little Red? This witch with murder in her eyes? He took a step back, almost into the sun.
"I know what you've been doing. Do you really think he could hide that from me?"
"I . . ."
"But then that was the plan right? You didn't want to hide it, I worked that out. Chew him up, spit him out and then tell us all about it? Humilate him, destroy him and all just to get Buffy to notice you."
"You know nothing" he snarled, "nothing about Xander . . ." he stopped, the sound of Xander's name in the air twisting him inside. "Nothing about what's going on."
"I know enough. It's all to do with Buffy"
Another wallop of adrenaline hit him and he broke out in a cold sweat all over. "Did you tell him that?"
"No. But he'll work it out eventually. If he hasn't already."
/Oh fuck/ Spike closed his eyes briefly.
"Red you don't understand, the reason I was looking for him was to talk to him, you don't know, what he's done to me"
"I don't care he's done to you, I care what you've done to him, if you go near him again I'll know and just pray it's Giles that'll get hold of you. Because if it's me . . ." and all of a sudden that delicate face was carved out of granite, "I will cut out your heart and set it on fire." Not waiting to hear his next response she went back into the magic shop. Grasped hold of the counter as the trembles subsided and looked up at Tara, who for some reason was putting antiseptic on her hand.
***
The damn phone was ringing *again* Xander glared at it resentfully. Was it too much to ask for a little alone time? Why did everyone decide to call him now? Well he wasn't going to answer it. He'd watched the light of the day become brighter at noon then hazy and golden in the late afternoon and now he was waiting for the first tinge of darkness to spill into the sky, waiting for this dreadful, dreadful day to be over, surely things had to be better tomorrow? His answering machine picked up and he listened as the words came floating over to him.
"Xander it's me" Came Giles's voice. " Please pick up, we need you. I'm afraid . . .I've got some bad news. It's about Joyce."
Some dialogue taken from BtVS 'Forever'
Xander had thought about death a lot. Of course he had. Doing the things they did if you didn't think about dying, well that was a pretty good way to get dead. Had seen a lot of death, lots of casualties of the hellmouth. But this was different. This was Joyce.
He hadn't known her all that well really. But he knew enough. Enough to know she was kind and loving and worried about all of them. That she smelled like warm biscuits. That he had loved her, in a way he'd barely even realised. That somehow she'd become a symbol to him, of a life that was out there, even though he'd never come within a million miles of having it. A family where mothers didn't cry and promise to change, promise to stand up for you next time when your dad was mad and then two days later get drunk and join in with the yelling and slapping and call you a disgrace.
He kept remembering one day Buffy and Willow had been studying. He'd got bored and wandered into the kitchen looking for something to eat and had gotten talking to Joyce. Eating a pan of Brownies together, laughing as he tried to convert her to watching 'The Simpson's' and sympathising entirely with his utter hatred of maths. And now she was gone.
Taken by something they couldn't even fight and *why*? And the answer he kept coming up with was; just because. Because that was the way life worked, it wasn't fair and it wasn't right and if you didn't like it get in line. He kept expecting Buffy to cry or break something, scream and yell but she didn't, just stayed eerily calm as she chose the coffin and sorted out the service. But if you thought she wasn't grieving you only had to look in her eyes and maybe it was selfish, but God it was *exhausting* to be around her. To sense all that grief and unable to touch it. She was faultless, completely controlled and utterly unreachable and if she wouldn't let out her grief, nobody else could either.
It had been less than a week since Joyce died. but it felt like months had gone by and they hadn't even had the funeral yet. He couldn't sleep. Physically exhausted but too nervy and tense to settle. Shaky from lack of food but can't really imagine being hungry again. Too tired and sad to do anything but try to mouth comforting words that seemed to vanish the minute they hit the air without drifting into earshot of Dawn and Buffy. Or maybe there was nothing he could say anyway. Swallowing down his own grief the pressure building up and up but he can't let it out, just rubs at his red eyes and shoves it down.
So much hurt, and as much as he'd like to deny it, as much as he hates himself for it, he knew it wasn't entirely because of Joyce. But now isn't the time to think about Spike and his hardon for Buffy. There are bigger things to worry about. Who cares about Spike? Not him that's for sure. But he was always there. Flickering at the edge of his mind. Taunting him.
Coming out of Buffy's house with Willow he could barely suppress a sigh of relief. Willow raised her eyebrows at him after the turbulent atmosphere between Buffy and Dawn, but they didn't say anything about it. They didn't have to. He looked up at the sky, despite it being clear it felt close out here, maybe a storm was brewing.
"You going home?" he asked Willow.
"I'm gonna stop by my mom's first. I've been doing that a lot lately."
"Yeah I stop by your mom's too."
Willow sent him a look of bewilderment.
"Well I'm not going to my place those people are scary." Makes a joke about the pain, the way he always does but suddenly he's almost stumbling on the steps, cold all over, his heart in his mouth as the sight of Spike's distinctive blond head appeared through the darkness. Spike he'd been determinedly not thinking about because there was only so much he could take but all of a sudden Spike was right in front of him and he didn't think just the sight of someone could affect him so much. Disgusted that under the anger a part of him still wants to drag Spike away and let the night end with Spike pressed against him, that pleasurepain that could make everything go away. Everything of course except Spike himself.
"Speaking of . . ." he said bitterly.
Spike cursed inwardly as he saw them watch his approach. Yet another plan completely fucked. The idea had been to drop off the flowers and leave, not get into a confrontation with Miss Rip-Your-Heart-Out-And-Set-Fire-To-It or Xander. First time he's seen Xander since Red had oh so kindly filled Xander in on things and his damn legs were shaking on him. He forced himself to keep his pace steady. Threw his head up confidently as he walked towards them. Knowing that this wasn't going to be pretty. Even though Xander didn't know the full extent of the plan, for which he thanked whatever demon looked out for vampires, he still knew enough. Between Xander's anger and Spike's still hurting jealousy over the girl from the party the very air around them felt charged and murky. Too many damn emotions swirling around. None of them nice and Spike's crush on Buffy lay between them, still unspoken about. Stinking up the air.
"You have got to be kidding!" Xander examined, taking in the flowers Spike was carrying. Willow sent him a worried look as she felt the palpable anger begin to emanate from him, but he ignored her. All his attention was focussed on Spike..
"I'm not going in." he said. Calm. Calm. Keep this simple and clear and calm. But Xander looks exactly half a step away from beating him to a second death. Red watching them wide eyed and terrified. The bad ass wicca that had threatened him gone now, only a frightened little girl left. Another time he might have found that amusing.
"And you're not leaving those. You actually think you're going to score points with Buffy this way?" Bitterness. Oceans of it spilling over into every word and he's powerless to stop it. Joyce, Buffy, Spike, all too much, pushing him further into his own grey, hurting place. Can feel himself drowning, and there's *nothing* he can hold on to and this feels so fucking surreal to be having this cold, controlled confrontation when he's never felt less cold or controlled in his life.
"This isn't about Buffy." And Spike doesn't even know if he's talking about the flowers anymore. Still speaking calmly, and it feels so weird to have Xander right there, and so totally out of reach, he can't help taking a step closer, Xander mirroring his action but not in a good way. His veneer of control cracking before Spike's very eyes.
"Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession." Biting his tongue to just keep from *screaming* at Spike, to just stop himself launching at him. Feel his fists clench and can see clearly in his minds eyes the first hit, the way Spike's head will snap back, blood arch from his nose. Knows if he starts he won't stop, and he *can't* not now this isn't the time but if Spike dares to leave those flowers he might just do it anyway . . .
Can feel the tears right behind the anger and he won't, he *won't* break down in front of Spike, won't give him the satisfaction.
"They're for Joyce." Waving the flowers around like they're a damn magic weapon, gonna put all this right, when pretty much nothing was going to do that. Keeping this simple, hoping using her name will remind Xander of why he's here. For once not for any other reason than trying to do right for someone who'd always done right to him. Not letting any of the other stuff cloud it. But Xander is all about the cloud, hell right now Xander wanted the damn cloud, doesn't want to think about anything but how much he hates Spike right now, hate keeps the hurt at bay. His already over wound up system tensing another notch with every word Spike utters, pushed into overload at him even saying Joyce's name.
"Like you care about her." And Xander had never known his voice could sound like that, so cold, so threatening.
Another step up to Spike, powerless to stop himself and close, now, close enough to hit. Trying to keep this about protecting his friend, the memory of Joyce and ignoring the sour curl of less noble emotions spreading through him. And he wants to see Spike's control snap. Wants to see Spike take a swing and collapse in pain for his trouble. Wants to do *something* to make this stop hurting so much.
"Guys- guys," Willow fluttered between them nervously. "Not here." She could feel the tension between them crackling like electricity, the hair on the nape of her neck standing up, and yeah, she's all for teaching Spike a lesson, but not here, not now.
And Spike could feel the anger rise in him. This was where trying to do the decent thing got you, spat on that was where it bloody got you. And Xander is looking at him like he's nothing and the only way to fight this is to play the game right back.
"Care?" he said his eyes locked on Xander's." Joyce was the only one out of the lot of you I could stand."
"And she's the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched." Still not raising his voice but Spike is flinching like each word is a knife.
"I liked the lady - understand monkey boy?" Seeing Xander flinch a little at the insult and feels a sick kind of joy he could still hurt him along with a wish he could just start this whole conversation again, just struggles on. "She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me. And she didn't treat me like a freak."
"Her mistake." Xander goaded, a sour delight spreading through him at the hurt that flashed in Spike's eyes.
"Think what you want." Ignoring the pain that was fighting to come out Spike threw the flowers to the ground and stalked away.
"Unbelievable" Xander shook his head, "the guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey." Feeling a little calmer now Spike had gone again, but still shaking with the effort it took to contain himself.
"Xander . . ." Willow's voice was soft. "He didn't leave a card."
He looked at the flowers she had picked up looking kind of sad and vulnerable. Cardless.
And for the first time in his whole life he's truly speechless, words are so pointless. Doesn't know what this might mean, can just stare at the flowers and futilely wish all this would just go away. That it was a nightmare and he'd wake up and Anya and Joyce would be here and Spike had never come back.
Willow turned concerned eyes on him. "We haven't had a chance to talk, do you want to .. .?"
She gently laid her hand on his arm and he shrugged it off. "No!" he snapped, then awkwardly said a little more softly. "No I just . . .I need to be alone."
He walked away leaving her gazing forlornly after him.
***
"Fucking Xander!" He'd been wandering around for over an hour, ignoring the dark clouds gathering above him, the smell of the approaching storm, trying to shake of the trembling running through him after the confrontation with Xander. "Bloody hate him I do. Hate him. Hate him!" He leaned his head against a nearby tree and heaved a shuddering tearful sigh.
He missed Joyce already. She was the closest thing to a friend he'd had in a good long while. He'd liked her. Liked listening to her, liked how warm and soothing she was and how she saw things so clearly. Even though he'd gotten into this whole mess because of her daughter, somehow, crazily, at the back of his mind he'd thought he'd go to Joyce and pour his heart out. Tell her how confused he was, that even though he did . . .had, whatever loved Buffy, been crazy about her, somehow Xander had tied him up in knots. Had him feeling things he hadn't felt since he'd been -God help him- a *human*. Guilt and tenderness and total burning *need*.
Confused. Right.
Stupid. He couldn't talk to her now . Couldn't even leave his flowers for her. He swallowed back a lump in his throat. This was why vamps didn't get to attached to humans. They died so damn quickly in vampire terms. With this damn chip he'd forgotten that. Humans were food and possibly for playing with, nothing else. Not love or friendship or anything but food and entertainment.
Well now he was remembering. Maybe Joyce had helped him after all. Yeah. He was seeing things more clearly now. He might have had a crazy moment there where he thought he might actually be developing *feelings* for the boy, for a second had actually thought he couldn't go through with hurting him but that was over now. He wasn't carrying on with the plan because somehow, so gradually he'd hardly noticed his burning hate at the Slayer had faded away, not because Xander had gotten to him at all.
Nothing to do with Xander. He didn't care what the lad thought of him. He didn't care about Xander at all. It was all over. Xander hated him and he was never going to touch Xander again, never going to get to kiss him or slide into him, or hear his heart begin to race under his touch or feel his skin again . . .
He rubbed at his eyes angrily. Lucky the graveyard was deserted or he'd never live this down, but even so he turned into the older lesser used part of the graveyard where hardly anyone went, presumably because the corpses there were too old to be of interest to anyone human or demonic. He stumbled through the tangled undergrowth and made his way further into the graveyard. He was sure there was a bench around here somewhere . . . He found the clearing with the bench and froze in shock.
Xander was sitting there. Huddled up into himself staring at the ground.
Misery radiated off Xander. Spike hardened his heart. He didn't care. He *liked* it when Xander was upset. He deserved it. Served him damn well right. And he wasn't going to let Xander see how much he'd hurt him. He forced a grin and stepped out. But then.
Tears. A couple rolled down his cheeks. Xander wiped them away, quickly. Angrily.
And he hated it, couldn't bear to see the boy like this. It felt like a huge fist had reached inside his chest and twisted his insides.
Xander, sensing someone watching him looked up, the rush of hate that flooded over his face as he recognised Spike made the vampire actually flinch.
"What did you follow me here?" He asked in disbelief. "Not quite wrung enough fun out of me for the night? Well I am *really* not in the mood to be your replacement fucktoy for the night so why don't you just go fall on a stake?" Bad enough that he had to sit here crying over Spike but for Spike to actually catch him . . .Managing to choke the tears down but he's got to get Spike away, away right now, before he just . . breaks. Into tears, into violence he doesn't know what. And everything, feels like it's pressing down on him too much, unbearable pressure and God how can he bear this? Just wants to make it stop. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop . . . .
The sky was steadily blackening above with dense clouds as Spike stood still. He didn't have to take this. A dozen cruel retorts danced around his mind, just by picking one of them he could have the lad in floods. That would teach him not to be so cruel when he was trying to pay his respects.
Food or fun. Not feelings.
He took a deep breath.
"Can I help?" Hears the words coming out of his mouth and hates himself even as he's asking it. Hates the milk and water weakling he seems to have become but is powerless to stop himself. He just wants to make Xander stop *looking* like that. All lost and alone.
Xander raised his head. "What?"
"I said can I . . "
"Help. Yeah I heard. *You* want to help me."
"Xander . . ." Pitter of rain as it began to fall lightly around them.
"No really I'm thinking. How about letting me drown you in holy water? That might help, or how about you leaving me the hell alone?"
"Right. Fine."
He turned to walk away, then suddenly turned back, furious, his duster snapping behind him as suddenly the sky began to rumble ominously. "You know I've been tryin' here, tryin' to be decent . . ."
"Shut up!" Dark eyes blazed in the white face. " You don't know how to be decent."
"Maybe not. But I'm still tryin'"
"And that's meant to make it all better? You *used* me." Knows he's sounding like a girl but can't help it. His voice was shaking now, his stomach in knots that tightened every time he thought of it pain roaring up to the surface.
A loud clap of thunder but it can't hide the hurt in Xander's voice and weirdly enough he almost like's it, alongside hating it because surely then he must have gotten to Xander a little bit? Maybe there was more to it than wounded pride, in spite of that girl. All the anger was sucked out of him, and suddenly he's left feeling very, very tired and like it or not, there's only one thing left to say.
"I'm sorry." Muttered low his eyes still fixed on the ground and he means it. He really fucking means it. But it's just not good enough.
"What!" Almost laughing because Spike, *Spike* has just apologised to him. It's got to be some kind of joke. Was the world ending? Was that what the lightening flash was for? Lighting the night with a quick blue flare before vanishing again. "Would you repeat that please? I'd like to note the date and time for future generations, William the Bloody apologises to his whore!"
"You're not my whore!"
"Oh really? That's what you treat me like isn't it?" Suddenly the rage was back, the power of it singing through his veins, he stood to face Spike. "I'm easy right Spike? The loser boy you could shag while you were thinking about Buffy." And there. Coring at the place that's been hurting inside ever since Willow had oh so gently ripped him apart. The cruel throbbing nugget almost pulsing in him because it hurts so bad. Something he hadn't dared to look full on at, the real reason he was so angry with Spike.
He was jealous.
As hell.
"I never thought about Buffy when I was with you." Barely noticing the rain is falling heavier now, and maybe he's dancing far too close to a danger zone but the thundering above is only forcing him on and fuck it, he's tried everything else, he might as well try honesty. Give the lad a knife to cut him with why not? What does anything matter anymore?
"I'm supposed to believe that why?" His eyes are blurring and he can't tell anymore if it's rain or tears.
"It's the truth!"
"Bullshit! You couldn't have her so you had me! And now you want to *help*? You could have helped by not treating me like your personal whore" He advanced on Spike, grabbing Spike by his T-Shirt and hauling him up so they were practically nose to nose as the rain turned to huge drops sheeting down on them, within seconds they were soaked, another deafening roar of thunder and he can barely hear it over the beating of his own heart and the roar in his ears.
"You could have helped by not making me want you so much it's tearing me up inside" His voice was shaking and his eyes were almost black with . . . anger? Lust? Spike didn't know but he could sense the violence shimmering under Xander's stretched way too tight control, and suddenly he was afraid, because Xander had been pushed and pushed and pushed. And now it looked like he was gonna push back.
"And now you stand here, after everything you've done and say you're *sorry*? Do you have *any* idea what it's like? Wanting you so badly? Aching for someone you hate who has nothing but contempt for you? Knowing I'm just a substitute and part of me just doesn't care?"
Rain falling into his eyes and mouth. Hair plastered to his head, the water from it running down his back. Loud clap of thunder above and that was the way life was. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair and good people died and vampires used idiots like him as some kind of sexual stopgap and he's *sick* of it, surely there's got to be something to make this hurt stop?
"Xander . . ." Tries to tear his eyes from Xander's but can't quite do it. He's got no clue what to say anymore, he's all out of options and his mind is something he can't quite get a grip on not when Xander is so close, soaked and angry and utterly beautiful, his breath warm on Spike's face even through the rain he can feel it and under the fear that he's gonna get his ass kicked, or even worse that Xander was just going to walk away, is desire, strong and thick. Throbbing through him.
"What Spike?" Shaking all over, even his voice trembling now. Maybe he's reading the want Spike is sure is written all over his face. "Didn't you know? No of course you didn't, because you never get fucked do you? Oh no not you, not the Big Bad."
Suddenly Xander's eyes flickered following the trickle of rain running from Spike's hair, along the sharp cut of Spike's cheekbones, pouring down to Spikes' mouth. His breath began to come in harsh pants. Need. Waves of it *blasting* through him. Taste of rain and want in his mouth, hot and clear and powerful. But he still wavered. Fighting a battle with himself. If he didn't push Spike away now, he'd never be able to.
Still he stared.
Time out.
"Well maybe it's time you were."
And then he kissed him.
Continued in the next part
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