Sweet Revenge
Part 22
Mouths crashing together, and everything is blurring in a swirl of stinging rain and roaring thunder and Xander's mouth. Oh God his mouth. Devouring him. Hot and desperate and hungry. His mind trying to stutter something out about this not supposed to be happening but its only a whisper a long way away, drowned out by the heat of the kiss and the chill of the rain and everything is *spinning*. Legs buckling and he would have fallen but Xander's grip is holding him up as that hot hot tongue moved into Spike's willing mouth and oh *hell*.
Bolt of lightening tears the sky and for a crazy moment Spike wonders if it hit him. Soaking wet and freezing cold and he's on fire.
His mouth frantic, open under Xander's, couldn't taste enough, all he can do is try to get closer and closer, tears stinging his eyes because he thought he'd lost this, would never get to feel this again, but now he can feel it oh . . . everywhere. Xander is everywhere, body, mouth, hands searing hot, and he's shoving Xander's coat off him, just has to *touch* and he's *drowning*. Rain *lashing* down, in his eyes, mouth, nose, Xander's hand is in his hair, pulling his head back, scraping his chin along Spike's supersensitive mouth, and he's just *shuddering* arching back into Xander's arms as Xander drops his head, kissing a burning trail up Spike's neck and his eyes are closed and his mouth is open on a drawn out groan, rain falling in his mouth, down his throat and holy shit he's never gonna be able to taste rain again without getting hard . . .
Kissing Spike and Xander can't tell anymore where he stops and Spike starts, body chilled but barely noticed not when Spike is kissing him back just as hard, holding on to him just as tight like Spike wants this, wants him, Xander, not Buffy. Blocks the thought of Buffy out before it even gets started and it's easy to do. Easy because Spike is making those *noises* into his mouth, sweet gasps and groans, hard cock digging into his hip and yeah it's happened before but not like this, nothing has ever been like this. Roar of thunder and Xander can taste rain and chill and Spike, trying to take him all in and he needs *more*.
And he's pushing and they're falling, hitting the ground with a bone jarring thud and Xander rolling on top, still kissing, his weight pressing Spike hard against the ground, mouth to mouth, cock against cock and *thrusting*.
"Want to feel you." Xander's voice rough and needy and his hands pulling Spike up, shoving his duster from his arms, pulling his T-Shirt off and rain hitting with little stings on Spike's skin, Xander's hands all over him, leaving smears of mud across his chest and everything feels *swollen* from the wet ground under him to lips tingling with kissing and cock trapped in his jeans and he wants it *out*. Metallic taste of desperation and desire in his mouth and /just touch me Xander, *fuck me* fuckmefuckme/ and all he can feel is wantwant*want*.
And this was really happening, right now. Never been so out of control in his life, he's about to let a kid screw him into the ground, except Xander's not a kid, and Spike wants him so bad he's aching inside, an emptiness pulling at him that only Xander can ease and he can admit that, admit any damn thing Xander wants and what the hell is happening to him? Knows if he ever wants to walk away from Xander he shouldn't let this happen but he passed letting this happen way too long ago, from the second Xander reached for him and he can't stop it, he can't, not now when Xander fucking finally unfastens his jeans, his hands ripping at the buttons, and he reaches inside, pulling him out, cool air and hard rain hitting sensitive skin and for fucks sake they're outside completely in the open, but hot fingers are stroking him and all little voices disappear and it didn't matter about anything, not the Slayer, not the thunder, not the rain and not life outside this moment right now.
Xander watching Spike as he strokes him. Cock long, thick and so hard he can feel the tremors from Spike and maybe Spike did want Buffy but it was Xander he was hard for right now. It was him jacking Spike off, hard and fast and Spike was writhing under him, bucking his hips and clenching his fingers in the sodden muddy ground. Kissing again and mouths are bruised and swollen with how they've been kissing. Doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Spike's shaking fingers unfastening Xander's jeans, pushing them down, boxers too and Xander's head is snapping back as he strokes the throbbing heat of Xander in his hand, perfect and he needs him. Needs him so bad it's terrifying. Desperate kisses and if he needed to breath he'd be gasping. He's gasping anyway.
Xander pulling away just long enough to pull off his shirt, Spike's wide eyes watching the rain trickle down his skin but no time to really think about it when Xander is pealing the sopping material of Spike's jeans down his legs, letting out a growl of frustration when he couldn't get the sodden material past his boots, he wrenched one of Spikes boots off and now Spike was helping out, raising his hips and kicking them off that leg. He left the other, the jeans bunched around Spike's ankle and kind of folding Spike, knees to chest. No idea if this was right, but it feels right. Feels pretty damn more than right and he's balanced over him, cock in hand, rubbing it along Spikes entrance. Wanting to be inside him so badly his stomach is in knots and his hands are shaking.
"W . . .Wait!" Spike groped awkwardly in the pocket of the duster crumpled under him finding the lube throwing it to Xander. Bolt of lightening crackling and everything looks different, black and green and wet behind the white spots in front of his eyes and Xander's eyes are burning like hot coals in a pale face. Looking at the lube, only still there because Spike couldn't face taking it out. Admitting he wouldn't need it again, but Xander probably thinks it means Spike was going to try and use him again and Spike wishes he could go back. Right to the start and do all this over again, try and do it right this time but he can't. Knows even if Xander uses it he won't be gentle, and that's okay. Anything is okay as long as he doesn't stop.
And Xander wasn't stopping. He was slicking himself, fast strokes. Moving back over Spike and pushing at Spikes entrance, not in, not yet, and asks him against Spike's ear rough and low. "Do you want me to fuck you?"
Moan of pure need and a buck and Xander still sliding just there and it's close enough to make him feel the sparks under his skin and still way too far away and anything Xander wants. Anything as long as it happens.
"Yes." On a moan and again. "Yes I do. I want to. Xander . . ."
And Xander's sinking in it's been so long and pain and scared and /ohholygodthatissogoodsogoodsofuckinggood/
"Xan . . ."
"No, don't." Voice trembling, like he's scared Spike's going to make him stop, not quite a plea, but almost, harsh, rough around the edges with want and Xander's never heard his voice sound like that before. Doesn't sound like him. This doesn't feel like him and he doesn't care. "Don't, don't talk Spike, just . . .just let me . . ."
Pushing, hard against a moment of utter resistance that had him wondering giddily if there was some trick to this he didn't know, then feeling a slow slide in that suddenly got fast as he passed the opening. Crying out as his pelvis slammed into Spikes' buttocks and he was in and oh.
Fucking.
Hell.
Roar of the thunder can hardly be heard over the roar in his head. Lightening flash highlighting Spike under him, but he could see that even without the lightening. Feel him, writhing, moaning because of Xander. Because of Xander being in him and never in his life had he felt *anything*as good as this. Rain beats down so cold on his skin, but inside he thinks he's gonna explode, he's in a place so tight and hot and oh so good. Spikes deepest muscles clenching and unclenching in a slow pulses around him as he adjusted to Xander.
/Inside him. Oh God. I'm inside him/
And nothing, nothing could compare to this. Spike around him. Waiting, because just the smallest movement now is gonna have him coming, and he really, really doesn't want that just yet. His hands clenched on the ground, mud slippery between his fingers, breath coming in shuddering gulps and every bit of him strung up and rigid with tension, control paper thin, blinking through the rain looking at Spike his face pale his blue eyes huge with shock, with hurt, and lust, and Xander knows that look. Has felt that look on his own face and somehow joyous to do that to Spike. To make him feel that pleasurepain and more and hurt and Xander couldn't stay still anymore, he had to move, and he couldn't start gently, he had to fuck , has to get away, away from pain and confusion and people with messy, hurtful lives, just go to a place where there's just him and Spike and heart hammering painfully fast like it's gonna burst out of his chest and hips pistoning and they're both yelling every time their bodies meet and the thunder keeps roaring and lightening keeps flashing like the Gods themselves are angry with this but they can just piss off because Spikes fingernails are digging into his ass, his hands trying to pull Xander in deeper and Xander was almost crying because it's all heat and tight and shudders and so good, and too much, out of control and painful, and then a small shift and no not pain the most excruciating pleasure and he was hitting something, something that made Spike jerk uncontrollably under him, and Spike was half sobbing, crying out pained, pleading cries
"Oh yes, oh fuck, oh Xander I never thought, holy shit , Xander so fucking good, please don't stop, please . . ."
And just riding him, thrusting like the world is going to end tonight, bodies are sweating, sliding against each other and can't seem to stop pushing like this, every time a little faster and little harder,
"Thought I'd never get to touch you again Xan . . ." Whispered frantic against his ear and he can't think of what to say, what that might mean and words are just a little too far out of reach just quickens his pace even more and thrusts harder and maybe it doesn't matter anyway because all that's coming out of Spikes' mouth now is
"Ohhhhhhhh yes, fuck fuck fuck fuck . . ."
and Spikes' hand was suddenly slipping down touching himself with hard ragged motions on his cock,
"Xander" breathed into his ear and Spike was shuddering, his body clenching around Xander tighter than ever as he came, and came, long ropes shooting over his chest, hitting Xander as well and never, ever seen anything as fucking sexy as that in his life and feels it, the rush coming, and for a second everything was clenched so tight he was almost afraid to come, scared of falling into something that could feel like this feelings racking his body so intense he didn't even know if it was pleasure or not, then starburst of colour bursting in front of his eyes, worlds and worlds that he never knew about, and
"Spike, Spike, oh God Spike" and he was coming and coming and coming, hips jerking spasmodically burning streams erupting inside Spike as he clenched and released, clenched and released over and over and he just has to trust his body to respond here because it's too much, too complicated, he's falling, falling into sensation and he could feel his hotness inside Spike slicking him even more and he didn't want to stop just kept thrusting until he couldn't anymore his head swimming and a roar in his ears he collapsed heavily on Spike.
And burst into tears.
After come shivers still racking him and the sobs wrenching and painful like coming inside Spike has opened a tidal wave he's been holding back, doesn't feel humiliated or anything but that this has to come out now, and even more surprising is Spike isn't pushing away or laughing, Spike is holding him. Holding on to him so tight, as he cried like he hadn't cried in years. Not since he was thirteen and his dad had broke his jaw for the first time.
Didn't even really know what he was crying for. Joyce, Buffy, Spike, Dawn, his parents and himself all swirled around in his head as he inhaled the leather and smoke scent that clung to Spike tasting mud and tears and held on to him.
And this was the last thing Spike had ever expected, he'd braced himself for a beating, for threats, for Xander to just walk away like he had done to Xander so many times, and quite rightly deserved to have done to him but not this. Not all this raw emotion being let out in his arms, not knowing what to do Spike just kept holding on, and he hated this, wanted to make it all stop, to soothe whatever it was that was making Xander hurt so much, even if it was him. But he didn't know how to put it right, so just did all he could, rocking and crooning nonsense words into his ear.
Eventually Xander's sobs became lighter, gradually tapering off. The storm had stopped, the rain still falling lightly in a gentle shower but that was it. He felt empty inside, but a good empty. There had been so much building up inside for so long, that now for the first time in a long time he felt almost peaceful. Still shaking, though but from the aftermath of the sex or tears he didn't know. Was scared to know. Teaching Spike a lesson was all well and good but what did you do afterwards when the only thing you knew you wanted was for him not to leave?
No way he can say that without Spike laughing at him so without a word he moved off Spike and looked at his shirt, pretty much unwearable, and shrugged on his coat instead. Not quite managing to get it on his still trembling arms when he felt a hand help him to slide it on. Spike. Pale and serious, not speaking and not laughing at all. Not leaving. And although Xander was alright, fine really, it was rain in his eyes, not more tears, not he let Spike help him stand up, and when Spike's fingers were shaking too much to pull on his own clothes Xander helped him, and when Xander was eventually ready to walk home Spike walked with him.
/Okay/ Xander thought uncomfortably. /This is weird/ Walking home and Spike was still with him, they hadn't spoken a single word. Hadn't even looked at each other, but he was acutely aware of Spike next to him. A sickly mixture of embarrassment, confusion and shame kept twisting inside him at the thought of what Spike must think of him, taking him like that, then crying all over him. For a second there, when Spike had held on to him, whispered frantic things into his ear he thought maybe, just maybe Spike had wanted it almost as much as he had. That maybe it was about him, at least a little bit. But Spike was in love with Buffy and when Spike loved someone there just wasn't room for anyone else. So why had Spike let it happen, why wasn't he mad? Was he playing games, still? Or maybe Spike had been trying to act 'decent' as he'd put it and just let Xander screw him because he felt sorry for him. Maybe he was even a little amused at Xander's blundering attempts to take charge. He flinched at the thought. He'd rather Spike was using him than feeling sorry for him, but why the hell was Spike still here?
When they reached his apartment block he was half expecting Spike to carry on to his crypt but Spike walked with him down the hall and though his fingers were numb and kept fumbling clumsily with the key Spike was still right behind him. Finally getting the door open and he wordlessly stood aside for Spike to follow him in, not looking him in the eye as Spike brushed past him and Xander hurriedly shut the door. The warmth of the apartment hit him instantly, thawing out cold toes and fingers. He flicked on a lamp covering the room in a rosy warm glow, he and Spike standing out in stark contrast to the comfort of the room, soaked, muddy and sore. Xander felt like he'd been rubbed raw all over, the cold, wet material of his coat and jeans chaffing on his skin. He wanted a bath, to get changed, but didn't want to leave Spike alone. So they just stood there. Not looking at each other.
The silence spun on as Spike stared out of the window and lit up a cigarette. Lengthened. Became unbearable. Xander cleared his throat.
"I'm sorr . . "
"Are you . . ." Spike began.
They both stopped.
"Go on." Spike said awkwardly.
"I'm sorry I . . ."
Spike shook his head sharply. "Don't."
" . . .didn't let you leave your flowers" had been what he was going to say but Spike was already talking.
"No need to apologise. Just a shag. Nothing important right?" Spike forced himself to sound like his usual don't care self, swallowing back the tightness in his throat, and if he repeated it often enough he might even believe it, never mind his legs were still shaking and his head swimming. Embarrassment washed through him at the memory of how him, a master vampire had been begging for a mortal boy. And now he was being given the brush off. It hadn't meant a damn thing to Xander, he'd just been using Spike to forget, and now he was feeling guilty 'cos he was such a good guy and that was that good guys did when they'd made a mistake. But it hadn't been a mistake, not for Spike, and one thing he knew was he couldn't bear to hear an apology for it. He inhaled shakily, letting the smoke fill his lungs.
"Right. Nothing important." Xander echoed flatly. So Spike thought the most powerful, explosive experience of Xander's life was 'nothing important', and he knew it was stupid to keep getting so upset, Spike was just being . . .well Spike, what the hell else had he expected? But the urge to hurt him back was strong. Too strong to hold in.
"So. Buffy huh? Have to say I don't really see you two together. Buffy's got . . .what is it now? Oh yeah. Taste."
Spike flinched as though Xander had just slapped him in the face. Actually that would have hurt less.
"What like you?" He responded shakily. "Didn't see you complaining out there, couldn't get enough of me out there." Gesturing at the window with his lit cigarette, scattering ash over the floor. He could feel his voice was too harsh, his eyes too bright, but he could still taste the rain in his throat, feel the wetness between his legs, the lingering effects of what had just happened clashing bizarrely with the loathing in Xander's voice, stripping his defences bare, and it's typical, just fucking typical, every time he opens his heart to someone, even a little, they stick a knife in it and yeah, he deserves Xander's hate, God knows he hasn't done anything to earn his trust, but that still doesn't stop it from hurting. Like hell.
"You too." Xander flashed back at him, a flush staining his cheeks at the memory of what he'd just done, but he didn't look away, his arms folded, eyes blazing. /You said you wanted me, you undead bastard, you said you did, why do you keep messing with my head!/
"Yeah, just call me Mr. Masochist." Spike said bitterly. He'd known this would happen, that it was going to end badly, but he'd wanted Xander so badly he hadn't been able to help himself.
Xander dropped his eyes from Spike's, a flash of guilt flickering over his face. "Did I hurt you?" Xander asked quietly.
That small show of concern was very nearly Spike's undoing. It was harder this time to swallow down the lump that had reappeared in his throat, it didn't entirely disappear, he had to stick to short sentences. "No. Well a little. It's okay. That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean?" Xander asked cautiously, his dark eyes watching Spike warily through the wet strands of hair that kept falling into them.
"Oh for cryin' out loud Xander!" Spike exploded as the frustration overwhelmed him, how blind does the lad have to be to miss this? "Weren't you listening to anything I said out there?"
"You're gonna have to help me out here Spike what is it I'm supposed to know? Why are you even here?" Xander's voice was wavering dangerously but he was tired and wet and so confused and for God's sake he's just been inside the guy, why is it so damn hard to talk to him?
Spike ran his fingers through his hair, as though the tiny gesture could release some of his pent up emotion. /Why do you think you wanker? I think about you every bleedin' second of every miserable day that I'm not with you, when you cried out there it made my evil, rotten heart break to hear it. I'm shit and I know it but I can't help hoping you'll give me another chance, because I didn't want to feel for you but I do and if I'd had any clue this plan would have come in a million miles of ending up like this, I'd have packed up my smokes and duster and been out of this town faster than you can say 'sunset'/
For a second he opened his mouth, the words almost ready to come, then they stuck in his throat, and he couldn't force them out. "Forget it. Like you said, nothing important, I'll just be gettin' out of your hair now." He extinguished his cigarette with a single vicious twist and strode to the door.
"Fine." Xander ground out, wishing each word was a knife he could throw. "Enjoy watching Buffy through the window and wanking off."
"Fine. Enjoy having sex with Julie" Spike snapped back.
"Who? What?" That's come so far out of left field Xander could only gape, he'd been deeply entrenched in his pain, his feelings of being used and Spike's suddenly switched conversations on him.
"Julie." Spitting out her name like venom, the very mention of it conjuring up images of a pretty girl with reddy blonde hair and Xander stroking down her arm and the pain is still as raw and wrenching as when it was actually happening in front of him.
"What about her?" Xander asked bewildered, struggling to keep up with the conversation. "How do you even . . ."
"I saw you. At the party. I was there. I saw you leave with her. Good night was it?"
Spike's eyes were bright with an emotion Xander couldn't quite read, but he recognised the tone to Spike's voice, the same way he'd spoken that night when Xander had found him waiting when he'd returned home from Julie, a tight mixture of fury and something that almost sounds like tears underneath, like Xander's done something wrong, something to hurt Spike and for a second he actually felt guilty, then he remembered the rest of what had happened that night and the guilt was blasted aside with rage as the pieces fell into place.
"Wait, wait a minute, was that why you were here? You wanted to see what I'd been doing!" He stared at Spike in disgust, "Checking up on me, 'cos I'm your little toy, nobody else gets to play with me?"
"Yes! No! That's not why I . . ."
"You practically raped me to prove a point?! It's nothing to do with you what happened!" Xander yelled, his dark eyes almost black with fury. "I can do what I want with who I want . . ."
"No you bloody well can't!" Spike leapt over to Xander, grabbed hold of his arms, openly snarling.
"You're mine!"
Xander shoved him away, the anger still streaming through his veins like fire. "I'm not yours! You don't own me, I can't believe you, it's okay for you to close your eyes and think of Buffy . . ."
"I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT BUFFY!" Spike roared. "For Gods sake! Open your bloody eyes Xander! Why do you think I just let you fuck me into the floor? That was nothing to do with Buffy!"
"SO WHAT WAS IT ABOUT SPIKE?!" Xander roared back.
"It was about you you thick bastard! Because I wanted you !"
"You said it was nothing important!"
"Well you obviously regretted it! What the hell else did you expect me to say?"
"I don't regret it!" Xander shouted before he could stop himself.
"And it was fucking important!" Suddenly the words were tripping from Spike's mouth busting out of whatever was holding them back, an unstoppable stream. "Do you think I wanted things to end up like this? Do you think I wanted to feel like this?" He grabbed Xander by his shoulders, pale fingers digging into him, bruising him. "I think about you every minute! You're in my head, Xander, all the bloody time, I want you so much it hurts and I can't stop. You've done something to me, got me feeling things that no vampire should feel! Feeling guilty for how I treated you, I was even gonna be noble, finish it because I didn't want to be the one hurting you. Couldn't stand the thought of it."
The words stopped, just as suddenly as they'd started, and Spike realised he was shaking, only inches away from Xander's mouth . . .
Xander was motionless, his face utterly unreadable, dark eyes opaque.
Spike inhaled with a ragged breath, the rage flooded out of him, leaving him limp. He let go of Xander's shoulders and stepped away. He felt sick. "Look it doesn't matter, I shouldn't have come back here, I hope you and your new bitch girlfriend will be very bloody miserable." Pride tasted bitter in his mouth as he fumbled at the door, eyes stinging, the stupid handle kept wavering in front of him.
"Julie isn't a bitch." Xander said, his voice sounding weirdly tight.
Spike snorted and wrenched open the door.
"And she isn't my girlfriend." Xander blurted out from behind him.
Spike froze on the threshold, then closed the door again slowly, gently. For a second he rested his forehead against it, then turned to face Xander. He was pale, tension in every line of his body, his eyes defiant and desperate, like the words had hurtled themselves out of his mouth and he had no idea how Spike was going to use them now they'd been said.
"She's not?" Cautiously. Like he's dancing on eggshells here.
"No." He took a deep breath and continued. "I didn't even sleep with her."
Spike shook his head at his own stupidity, for a second there he'd almost believed him.
"I could smell her all over you."
"Look we, did . . . stuff, okay, but I didn't sleep with her."
"Stuff." Spike repeated, smiling a little to show how mature he is. How cool and collected. Never mind his fists are clenched so tight in his pockets his nails are digging into him. "What stuff?" It still must have been pretty heavy stuff judging by what he'd smelt.
"Nothing, I mean we kissed and you know fooled around a bit, but nothing . . .um else." .
"Really," The jealousy was roaring in Spike's head at the thought of Xander touching her, kissing her, losing himself in passion for her. His voice came out sour and sharp. "Shame for you, she looked like a sure thing. What did she change her mind?"
"No." Xander's heart was beating with a shallow thud and his mouth was dry, because suddenly, somehow, things are changing, tearing along too damn fast for him to keep up with and he didn't know if it was good or bad, but honesty between them is just too rare and there's no way he was going to let the fact he felt like throwing up with nerves stop this conversation now. "I changed mine."
"And why was that?" Spike asked in weary disbelief.
"I didn't think it was fair to sleep with her when all I could think about was you." The words came straight from his heart and out of his mouth and Xander couldn't believe he'd just said them. They resonated in the air, not only what he'd said, but all the things implied in it that he hadn't said and now he'd know. If this whole thing had been another game, or if Spike meant even a little of what he'd said tonight. He just couldn't get the courage up to look at Spike. He stared down and listened, for something. Anything. The pounding of the blood in his ears couldn't hide the silence from Spike though. He'd just opened his poor battered heart and Spike wasn't saying a word. Xander blinked against the stinging in his eyes. "Okay? Happy now?" He said hurriedly to distract himself from the pain. "Go ahead and laugh."
"I'm not laughing." Spike's voice was deadly serious, and quiet, and right in front of him. A cool hand was under his chin, forcing him to look into the blue eyes blazing into his.
"You . . .you didn't sleep with her?" Spike asked, trying to make it come out all firm and confident but he couldn't stop the stupid hopeful, pleading hitch in his voice.
"No. " Xander continued shakily. " I wouldn't have even gone back with her it's just I was drunk and mad and . . ." He paused. "I was so confused."
Bloody hell.
He was telling the truth. Spike looked away for a moment. There had always been a sore place in his heart. Always. From Cecily, to Angelus, to Drusilla, something that always told him he just wasn't enough. No matter how hard he tried, eventually the people he loved always needed something more. But Xander, this human, that was only supposed to have been a pawn, this brave, pure boy that had battered at every one of Spike's defences until all that was left was the need to be with him, he thought Spike was enough. Even through seeing Spike at his worst. He still thought Spike was enough.
Deep and powerful, the relief swept through him, extinguishing that sore spot, blasting it away. The cure was so sudden and overwhelming, for a moment he couldn't speak. Tears stung at his eyes but he blinked them away, his vision clearing as he focussed on Xander's dark eyes again.
"I've been confused as well." Spike said, his voice shaking. "About a lot of stuff, but I'm seeing things clearly now."
"Oh?" Xander asked, wide-eyed, trembling, and not because of the chill. " Like what?"
And oh shit. He knew saying that would be a sure fire way to get kissed, but his heart was still pounding like crazy in his chest and he couldn't quite get enough air into his lungs because Spike's eyes were locked on his, the blue almost overtaken with black as the pupils dilated and then Spike's eyes flickered down, held on Xander's mouth, then slowly, hesitantly leaned forward and caught Xander's lips in a kiss.
His mouth fell open as Spike's tongue oh so slowly traced along his lips and they've had hard kisses, frantic kisses even slow kisses but never a kiss like this. Tender and aching and somehow more real than any other. He could taste salt, but he didn't know whose tears he was tasting anymore. Spike's hands cupped his face, gently, like he was delicate. Like he was precious.
The desire began to pull inside him, the heat rising . . .
"Wait . . ." Xander struggled out of Spike's arms. "I , I just need a minute here, it's all a bit . . .um sudden." Xander stammered as he moved back, he struggled to regain his breath. /Okay need to think. Can't do that when Spike is so close/ Spike let him go, but kept his eyes fixed on him, his chest was heaving as he gulped for the air he didn't need. Xander shook his head, trying to clear it.
"So you don't want Buffy anymore?" He picked up an ornament Willow had given him, a little crystal bear with black eyes and stared at it, distracting himself from the effort of saying Buffy's name, like he needed to shield himself from the hurt Spike could still inflict. "Just like that you've stopped?"
Spike shook his head. "No, not just like that. It took a bit of time. I was obsessed with Slayer, I admit it alright? I was . . ."
He stopped himself before he said too much, now was not the time to tell Xander the full reasons behind why he'd started this. /Why not? Since you're being so honest, new slate an' all that? Why not now?/ a voice piped up in his head, but he ignored it, he'd deal with that later. Instead he continued,
"I was using you 'cos I couldn't have her . . ."
Xander flinched.
" . . . but you kept gettin' to me." Spike said quickly. "I kept brushing it off. Until that night. It drove me crazy, seeing you with that. . .seeing you with someone else. When I saw you with her" he said painfully, "smelled her on you." He paused, swallowed, and managed finish, the words ripped out of him. "I was so jealous"
He stopped for a second, then carried on. "Then I got thinking. About you, and I knew I couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't use you. I had to stop, even though I couldn't stand the thought of not being with you anymore, but Red had already told you. She threatened me you know? Said she'd rip out my heart if I went near you."
Xander gave a snort that sounded weirdly like a sob. "That's my Willow, always with the death threats."
"And then Joyce died, and then tonight, well you know. . ." Spike trailed off, and examined his nail polish intently. If vampires could blush he'd have lit up the room.
"So what now? I mean what do you see happening here?" Xander asked, his eyes still focussed on the bear. Its black eyes met his calmly.
/Let him go/ A voice in Spike's head told him. /You're no damn good, if you care about him at all let him find someone else, someone who can give him what he wants. What he deserves. For once in your unlife do the right thing/ And that little voice in his head was right. He knew it. Only a selfish bastard would still try to keep Xander with him.
But hey.
He'd been called worse.
Spike took a deep unnecessary breath, and took the plunge. "I know I'm not the kind of guy you'd ever normally go out with, but we could start again, do it your way, slow this time if you want. . .we could watch a film or play pool or . . ."
/Jesus/ Spike thought in despair as he ground to a halt /for a cocksure, sophisticated vampire of the world this is one hell of an incredibly lame speech. Even the kids from Dawson's Creek could do better than this/ The trouble was it was hard to come up with something smooth when you were painfully laying your heart in the hands of someone who could break it in two.
"I know things have been messy between us, I've been a blind jealous wanker." he continued rapidly, "but I know I still want you, and if you still want me even through all that's happened then there's got to be something there. It might not be pretty but it's real and it's powerful and we could try. If you want."
"Given up on the idea of being noble then?" Xander asked tightly, his knuckles white around the bear. And was that relief or disappointment he felt? He didn't know.
Spike gave him a twisted smile. "What can I tell you luv? I'm a bastard. You shouldn't come anywhere near me an' you know it. But I'm asking you for another chance, because being noble's alright for Peaches but nobility won't get me you."
He took a step closer to Xander, blue eyes flicking over him as though he could scorch Xander on his brain and never let him out of sight. "It won't let me feel you surrounding me. Won't let me lay next to you," his voice dropped as he moved closer to Xander.
"It won't let me see the way your eyes go black and hear the way you say my name." Right in front of Xander now, scant inches away from him, and he could taste the longing in his mouth. So close. He reached out his hand and gently removed the little crystal bear Xander was turning over and over in his fingers and set it on the table, the heat of Xander's fingers still lingering on his own.
His heart in his mouth he finished. "I could be noble. Could just walk away, let you find some bint to settle down with an' live happily ever after, but life's too short and it's every demon for himself and if I don't take my shot now, I will regret it forever. Yeah I'm a bastard, but I'm a bastard that is gonna treat you like a soddin' prince, because I want you pet, and I know there is some part of you that still wants me, so I'm askin' you. I want to make this up to you. I want you with me. If you want to take me on."
Xander kept staring at the floor, he couldn't look at Spike, couldn't speak to Spike because it has been one hell of a long night, and way too much has happened to fully take in and he was trying to fight off the urge to laugh. Crazed, out of control laughing. Because Spike, Spike is pretty near to begging Xander for a date. How utterly fucked up is that? The even crazier thing was he believed him. Impossible or not it had apparently happened, Spike had fallen for him. This was his chance, Spike was a bastard, he'd just admitted it, he was being selfish all over again, acting on what he wanted, not on what would be best for Xander, he'd behaved unforgivably and now he could hurt Spike back, tell him in a tone of utter contempt that even if Spike was the last thing left on the planet with Xander then he still wouldn't want to spend time with him . . .
"So do you want to?" Spike asked desperately.
Xander looked up at Spike. His jaw was clenched, his eyes locked on Xander, like he was scared Xander would vanish if he looked away. Waiting in an agony of suspense for Xander's next words.
"Yeah" Xander said quietly. "I guess I do."
Continued in the next part
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